A few years back, during Thanksgiving, I found myself outside on a relative’s patio with a couple of cousins, waiting for the turkey to cook. I was mostly silent, listening as one cousin brought up another relative who had come out as gay several years earlier. That cousin was attending Thanksgiving with his boyfriend, who some family members insisted on referring to as just a “friend.”
One cousin asked if the other would go to our gay cousin’s wedding if it ever happened. The response was a sneer and a definitive “No,” accompanied by a derisive snort. When pressed about his reasoning, he stated, “I believe that God intended for men and women to be together, and homosexuality is a sin.”
As I listened, I felt my skin heat up. Did he realize he was talking about me too? Would it make a difference if I said something? I clenched my teeth but remained silent. Another cousin continued to challenge him, questioning why it mattered how others love. She asserted that there was nothing wrong with it and that his perspective was twisted.
I wish I had found the courage to speak up. I should have stood up for my gay cousin, who shouldn’t have to be in an environment where his partner couldn’t even be recognized. This kind of behavior is not normal, and I refuse to stay quiet anymore. I will instill this mindset in my children as well.
The Dangers of Silence
Silence breeds bigotry. It fills the gaps where we fail to speak out against it. Our silence becomes tacit approval and complicity. Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. once expressed his frustration with the “white moderate” in his famous Letter from Birmingham Jail, highlighting that the real obstacles to justice are those who prefer a false peace over true justice.
This sentiment resonates across all marginalized groups. When those who claim to care stand by silently, they allow bigotry and injustice to thrive. We cannot prioritize our comfort over the well-being of others. The only peace we maintain by remaining silent is our own, while marginalized individuals continue to endure emotional and sometimes physical harm.
We must speak up and teach our children to do the same. I’m teaching my son to voice his concerns when he witnesses inappropriate comments made about women. It’s essential for all parents to set these expectations. It can’t just be a handful of boys who take a stand; we need a collective commitment to higher standards.
A viral TikTok clip once featured comedian Daniel Sloss discussing this very issue. He emphasized that just because one doesn’t consider themselves part of the problem, it doesn’t mean they are part of the solution. This passive behavior promotes a superficial peace that benefits only certain groups, while leaving marginalized individuals unprotected.
When one in ten individuals behaves poorly and the other nine do nothing, their presence is meaningless. Sloss reflected on his own inadequacy to speak up, admitting that he could have prevented harm to a friend but chose silence instead.
Regardless of your group affiliation, failure to address problematic behavior within it makes you complicit. If you’re a Christian who doesn’t challenge homophobia among fellow Christians, you’re complicit. If you’re a law enforcement officer who witnesses racism and remains silent, you’re complicit. If you’re thin and hear fatphobic remarks without reacting, you’re complicit.
Allyship must also extend to systemic change. Speaking out among friends, family, and colleagues is vital, but we must also push for changes in our institutions. Vote for representatives who acknowledge and aim to rectify systems of oppression. Engage in advocacy efforts, even if it’s just for a few moments each week. Contact your senators, state representatives, and local officials.
We must exemplify speaking up for our children. Let them see you taking action; read your emails to them or let them overhear your phone calls. If we want to foster a safer, fairer world for future generations, we cannot choose our own comfort over the rights of others. We have to do the work on both individual and systemic levels, or we will be complicit.
In summary, we must raise our voices and teach our children to do the same. If we want a better world, we cannot remain silent.