This past summer, my eldest son, Jake, found himself in a precarious situation when he flipped his car just days before he was allowed to have friends ride with him. In our state, teenagers can’t have passengers under 21, aside from siblings, until they’ve had their licenses for nine months.
Jake had told me he was heading to Subway for a meatball sub—a favorite of his—so I felt comfortable letting him go for a quick snack. After being stuck at home for so long during COVID, I figured a little outing would do him good. However, my trust was misplaced. Twenty minutes later, he called to inform me that he had flipped his car at the Park and Ride, just a mile away.
Thankfully, he was unharmed and reassured me of his safety, knowing I tend to worry like most moms do. Upon my arrival, I found three of his friends with him. Instead of indulging in a quick meal, they had decided to drive around recklessly, and Jake made the poor choice to show off. By the time I got there, the police had already arrived, alerted by a concerned bystander. Jake was open about his friends being in the car, and I knew we were fortunate that no one was seriously injured.
The consequences were severe: the state revoked his license for allowing passengers, and I extended his punishment by taking away his car. As I received messages from neighbors wondering about Jake’s whereabouts, I kept this incident to myself. When friends asked how things were going, I simply replied, “Things are good,” while hiding the turmoil that came with the “what if” scenarios that haunted me throughout the summer.
To an outsider, it might seem like Jake is just a troubled kid. Without children of their own, many might view him unfavorably. This wasn’t the only incident I kept under wraps; there was also the time he faced suspension for smoking pot, my youngest son smeared Nutella on a school locker, and my daughter struggled with self-harm.
The Isolation of Parenting Teens
Parenting teens can feel incredibly isolating for two main reasons. First, they begin to distance themselves from you, often dismissing your input as outdated or irrelevant. The moment they hit puberty, you transition from being their entire world to someone they want to avoid.
Second, as they start to explore riskier behaviors—like speeding, breaking rules, and experimenting with substances—it’s difficult to find someone to confide in. You can’t just vent about your child’s issues to other parents you barely know. These experiences are their stories to share, and it wouldn’t be fair to unload them for your own relief, as you might have done during their early years of childhood.
The teenage years are filled with complex struggles that demand your discretion. You need to maintain a calm demeanor when they approach you with their problems because overreacting could shut down future conversations. It’s a heavy burden to bear, worrying about how outside judgments may affect your child. While you may start out firm in your belief that other people’s opinions shouldn’t dictate your parenting, seeing your teen hurt by criticism can hit you hard, no matter how much you try to dismiss it.
There are days when I look at my three children and feel an overwhelming sense of disconnect. I long for the closeness we once had when they craved my presence for comfort, but those days seem to have faded. Now, I find myself bearing the weight of wanting them to grow into the best adults they can be, while also keeping their private issues secret and worrying alone.
Despite the house being filled with life, I often feel lonely. Yet, I’ve heard that this phase will eventually pass, and I’m holding onto that hope with all my strength.
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In summary, the journey of parenting teens can be lonely and filled with challenges. The shift in dynamics, coupled with the weight of their choices, can lead to feelings of isolation. However, maintaining their trust and navigating these years with hope is crucial for fostering a healthy relationship.