I grew up in a household where religion played a central role in our lives. We attended church multiple times a week, not just on Sundays. My parents led Bible studies and engaged in daily devotionals, which were integral parts of my childhood. Now, as an adult raising my own family, I view my parents’ religious fervor as somewhat extreme and have decided not to raise my kids in the same faith. My husband and I identify as agnostic, and this has not been well received by my parents. They are particularly upset that we are not instilling religious beliefs in our children. They’ve gone as far as to say that I’m dooming my kids to eternal damnation if they aren’t “saved.”
Although my parents are loving grandparents who adore their grandkids, every family gathering feels like an opportunity for them to impose their religious beliefs on my children. With Easter approaching, I’m dreading the inevitable comments about our lack of church attendance. I’d feel like a total hypocrite participating in services I don’t believe in, and I fear the dinner-table discussions will turn into sermons about the “true” meaning of the holiday. What should I do?
To be fair, your parents likely aren’t trying to be judgmental. Their faith is deeply ingrained, and they may genuinely believe they are acting out of concern for your family’s spiritual wellbeing. It’s probably unsettling for them to see you reject something they hold dear.
However, your adult beliefs and how you choose to raise your children are ultimately none of their business. It’s important to have an honest conversation with your parents about this. Approach the discussion with kindness rather than anger. Acknowledge that their intentions come from a place of love and concern, but express that their attempts to push their beliefs on you are driving a wedge between you. Remind them that their devotion to their faith is admirable, but it’s not the right fit for your family. Their positive actions can serve as a model for your kids, as long as they respect your beliefs.
If this gentle approach doesn’t yield results, you might need to establish clear boundaries. Let them know you value their role in your children’s lives, but that you require them to refrain from discussing religious topics. Make it clear that you are steadfast in your beliefs and expect them to honor that.
In the meantime, it’s essential to explain to your kids that different people hold different beliefs, and that’s perfectly fine. You don’t want them to feel ashamed because Grandma and Grandpa warn them of their “wicked ways.” If your parents frequently resort to shaming tactics, skip the heart-to-heart and go straight to setting boundaries, as that is definitely not acceptable. Help your children understand that their grandparents’ beliefs are just one perspective on a much broader spectrum and that they can love and be loved by them without sharing the same views.
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Summary:
Navigating a relationship with highly religious parents while raising your own agnostic children can be challenging. Open communication is key; express appreciation for their love while setting boundaries around religious discussions. Teach your kids that diverse beliefs exist, which can help them feel comfortable in their own identities.