Hey there, Mom. I know you think I’m just playing peek-a-boo from under the table, but honestly, I’m trying to make sense of the chaotic event you call our “bedtime routine.” Here’s the deal: it’s time to rethink how we do this.
Mistake 1: The Bath
Seriously, Mom? You think tossing me into a tub full of toys and bubbles is going to wind me down? I’m two years old—this is basically my personal water park! You expect me to stay calm in a bubble-filled paradise? Not a chance! I’m going to splash and run around naked until you finally get me into pajamas (and those footie ones? No way, I will FLIP OUT).
Mistake 2: The Bedtime Story
You really think a tale about a princely hero battling villains and flying with magic carpets is the perfect pre-sleep story? I’m totally engaged—and yes, I hear you trying to hush me, but I want to share my favorite parts! Let me have some fun with it and do the voices, please.
Mistake 3: The Bedtime Song
Now, I love you, but your singing? It’s not great. Plus, what’s with the choice of songs? Mid-’90s ballads are not exactly soothing to my ears. Enough of the Vanessa Williams and Phil Collins—let’s switch it up a bit! Dad at least knows how to bring in some Pink Floyd. But your warbling isn’t getting me to sleep anytime soon.
Mistake 4: The Rocking Chair
You think a quiet rock back and forth will lull me to sleep? Nope. I’m too big for that chair now, and your blanket isn’t helping either—stop trying to swaddle a toddler!
Mistake 5: Putting Me in Bed
By this point, you’re getting desperate, so fine, I’ll let you tuck me in. But oh, if you think you can snuggle in here with me, you’re in for a surprise. I’m going to kick you repeatedly until you want to cry. And when you tiptoe out of my room? You could slam the door for all I care; I’m wide awake!
Mistake 6: Offering Water
Honestly, Mom, how haven’t you figured out that I’m going to need a drink? That cup next to my bed? It’s a joke! I want the pretty pink cup with the straw from downstairs, not that dusty thing you keep trying to pass off as a solution.
Mistake 7: You Keep Trying
The biggest blunder? You just keep introducing new, random elements to our routine. Lavender oil and sound machines? Seriously? Just accept that I’m in charge of bedtime, not you. I’ll fall asleep when I’m ready—maybe after a midnight snack for both of us.
So, if you want to make this whole bedtime fiasco smoother, let’s rethink the routine together. For some tips on getting it right, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re looking into at-home options, makeamom.com has some great supplies.
In summary, Mom, it’s time to ditch the old routine and embrace the fact that I’m the one running the show at bedtime. Now, bring on that midnight snack!
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