People often react negatively to my words, not because of what I’m saying, but rather how I’m saying it. They focus on my emotion, intent, and enthusiasm, disregarding the core message I’m trying to convey. As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community and an educator in this space, my identity shapes both my perspective and how others perceive what I say.
When someone feels uncomfortable, they may critique my tone, labeling it as unprofessional, aggressive, or inappropriate. Instead of engaging with the substance of my message, they suggest that I should present my ideas in a more palatable manner. This behavior, known as tone policing, is particularly prevalent among marginalized individuals and women—especially Black women—and it occurs in various settings. It’s a frustrating dynamic.
For instance, during a recent training session for K-3 teachers aimed at fostering inclusivity for transgender and gender nonconforming children, I was asked by the principal to avoid swearing since some teachers might find it offensive. This request highlighted the tendency of some educators to focus on the language I used rather than the critical issues at hand, such as the alarming rates of bullying and mental health struggles faced by queer youth. Rather than addressing the urgent need for support and understanding, they fixated on my choice of words.
Examples of Tone Policing
Tone policing can manifest in phrases like:
- “Calm down. I don’t like that tone.”
- “You can’t talk to me that way.”
- “I wish you weren’t so angry.”
- “There’s no reason to be so upset about this.”
- “Can’t you say that in a nicer way?”
Often, those who engage in tone policing hold more privilege in the conversation and use it as a means to dismiss another person’s feelings and experiences. This is especially evident when a Black woman passionately discusses discrimination; the discomfort expressed by others may stem from inherent racism and sexism, diverting attention from the issues she raises.
Tone policing serves to shift the blame back to the victim, making it easier for the privileged party to label them as irrational or overly emotional. Emotions should not be stifled in conversations that matter. People can express frustration and passion without resorting to aggression. Those who tone police often dictate when and how emotions should be expressed, instead of listening to the hurt being articulated.
Telling someone to “calm down” trivializes their genuine concerns, and dismissing their experiences as insignificant can feel like gaslighting. Marginalized groups, including queer individuals and people of color, frequently face pressure to reframe their emotions to fit the comfort of those who have not endured similar struggles. It’s essential to recognize that one does not need to experience another’s pain to validate it.
If you found this message troubling due to the use of strong language or emphasis, then you might be engaging in tone policing. Remember, the essence of the message remains unchanged, regardless of how it is presented.
It’s a privilege to demand comfort over discomfort. The next time you feel uneasy about someone’s tone, reflect on your feelings. Are you deflecting from the real issue by fixating on their delivery? Are you using your privilege to silence those who are speaking their truth? People often express intense emotions when discussing issues that affect their lives and rights. Instead of asking them to tone it down, listen actively, examine your preconceptions, and consider how you can support their message rather than stifle it. Encourage accountability among your peers when you witness tone policing.
For more insights on related topics, check out our other blog post here, and if you’re interested in authoritative information regarding this subject, visit Make a Mom or listen to this valuable resource from Cleveland Clinic.
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In summary, tone policing is a harmful behavior that distracts from important conversations by shifting focus to the emotional delivery of a message rather than its content. It often serves to diminish the experiences of marginalized individuals, particularly when they express frustration over injustices they face. Instead of seeking comfort, it’s crucial to engage deeply with the issues at hand and listen to the pain and passion behind the words.