Dear neighbor who recently made the innocent mistake of inviting yourself to join me in my vehicle for our shared outing,
I must extend my sincerest apologies for my unexpected, emphatic “NO.” I could see the surprise in your eyes, and the bewilderment was completely justified.
I also regret if my reaction seemed a bit extreme—perhaps I unintentionally nudged you back to your own car with a little more zeal than intended. When I enter “panic mode,” my mind tends to go into overdrive, and I sometimes lose touch with reality.
You see, dear friend, your perfectly organized spice rack and alphabetically arranged Lazy Susan gave me pause. (I still recall that day you kindly allowed me to explore your cabinets while you were out.) I realized that you, along with your family—who likely live in a world devoid of sticky messes and scattered crumbs—would need some serious immunization after stepping foot in my car. Trust me, we didn’t have the time to check vaccination records or fit you for a hazmat suit on our way to the pool, did we?
While my abrupt outburst may have startled you, it was genuinely for your own good.
Yes, my car has the usual suspects that all parents of young children know too well: moldy French fries and petrified candy remnants lurk in the nooks and crannies. (Honestly, those tiny compartments are designed by elves who must not have kids—at least toss in a pair of chopsticks for good measure.) But, I must admit, there are a few other surprises in store.
For instance, actual fingernails. Just the other weekend, when my rambunctious child dozed off in the car, I seized the opportunity to clip his nails. Naturally, my other child thought it would be hilarious to scatter the fallen nails everywhere.
And let’s talk about the rotting fruit. One peach rolled under the front seat and, weeks later, my kids were still debating if someone had kicked off their shoe near the air vent.
Speaking of shoes, my boys have a habit of removing their sweaty footwear during hot summer days while the air conditioning blows directly on them. And, I assure you, I’m not exaggerating when I say that my two youngest boys have taken to flicking their boogers during long car rides. Try as I might to catch them in the act, it’s rather challenging to parent effectively while concentrating on the road.
I should mention that my youngest’s sudden bursts of hunger can turn into a two-day headache if I deny him snacks in the car. He’s developed a fondness for bananas lately, which—when smeared on the window next to him—resemble his boogers more than one would expect.
Now, regarding the banana peels and other refuse, I often overlook the sticky remnants of half-eaten granola bars while juggling the fifty stuffed animals my little hoarders insist on bringing on every trip. There was a day when I tried to be the responsible parent who held my kids accountable for cleaning up after themselves. However, they all fell asleep, and instead of cleaning, I zoned out on social media. I admit, this choice has become somewhat of a habit.
Perhaps if I paid more attention to the decomposing mess in my vehicle, I could have welcomed you into the passenger seat without hesitation that fateful day. But alas, I’ve grown accustomed to neglecting my car’s cleanliness in favor of quickly ushering my children away from danger while reminding them not to bring cicada shells inside! Note to self: our next home will definitely have an attached garage.
And if I had been more diligent with my car’s upkeep, I wouldn’t have recently discovered a pile of dried worms in my eldest’s cup holder. You’d likely have pretended not to notice, but we both know that sight would have made you lose your appetite during our adult outing.
So, dear neighbor, I apologize for startling you instead of explaining my reasoning in a more gentle manner. I hope you can understand my firm stance on this matter. If you wish to suggest a trip in my vehicle in the future, just give me a day or two’s notice.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Drives the Acura That Only Looks Classy on the Outside (Especially Since Adding the Batman Bumper Sticker)
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In summary, I truly appreciate your understanding and look forward to potentially sharing a ride in a more prepared vehicle in the near future!
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