When I think of the “birds and the bees” talk between a parent and child, I can’t help but picture the stereotypical scenes from 80s films. Typically, they show a dad awkwardly sitting down with his teenage son for a serious discussion that leaves both parties more uncomfortable than enlightened.
Drawing parenting lessons from 80s movies is probably not the best approach. Many parents find it challenging to initiate conversations about sex and sexuality with their kids, unsure about the right timing or how to begin. To gain insight on these sometimes uncomfortable discussions, we consulted Jamie Collins, a sexual health counselor and Medical Advisor at Family Health Services.
Engage in Ongoing Conversations
Unlike what those classic films suggest, talks about sex, sexuality, and bodies shouldn’t wait until your child is a teenager. According to Jamie, these discussions can start from day one. It’s about how you communicate during diaper changes and everyday interactions. For toddlers, begin with simple conversations about body safety, boundaries, and how their bodies function. Topics like going to the bathroom or eating can serve as excellent entry points.
Talking about sexuality should also begin early. Teach young children about their individuality, the correct names for their body parts, and that their genitals are just another part of their body.
Be Ready for Questions
As a parent, it’s crucial to educate yourself about sexual anatomy and what actually happens during sex. Jamie emphasizes that it’s perfectly fine to admit when you don’t know something and to look it up together. Start discussions by asking your child what they know about a topic. This not only gives you a moment to think but also helps gauge their understanding. A recommended resource is “Sex Is A Funny Word,” a comic for ages 8-12 that Jamie suggests to her adult clients.
Avoid Fabrications
Jamie advises against telling children that babies come from storks or cabbage patches. While each child matures at their own pace, honesty is key. Make it engaging! When explaining birth to her kids, Jamie described it as “a really cool special tunnel called a vagina, and that’s one way babies enter the world.” She encourages discussing topics like adoption and surrogacy to broaden their understanding of where babies come from.
As kids get older and become curious about reproduction, start with the basic notion that when two people love each other, a part of each of them comes together. Remember to frame this in a way that acknowledges a spectrum of relationships, using terms like “those who can produce sperm” and “those who can produce eggs.”
Teach Consent Early
Jamie emphasizes that consent is a vital topic from the get-go. Teach children that they don’t have to hug relatives if they don’t want to and that it’s okay to say “no” when someone is tickling them. This lays a critical foundation for healthy interactions with peers. She points out that society often normalizes unwanted touching, but it’s essential to reinforce that children should feel empowered to use their voices when something feels wrong.
Don’t Wait for Them to Ask
Introduce the concept of sex around ages 9 or 10, and aim to keep the conversation relaxed. Research shows that having open discussions about sex can delay the onset of sexual activity, leading to more positive experiences when the time comes. Jamie encourages discussing pleasure, comparing it to food preferences—just as some people like certain foods, the same goes for whom they’re attracted to and what feels good.
Addressing your discomfort as a parent is also crucial. Many avoid conversations that feel awkward, but those are often the most necessary. Understanding your own feelings can help you guide your child without imparting shame or discomfort about bodies and sexuality.
Ultimately, these discussions about sex, sexuality, and bodies should be ongoing, requiring honesty and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone. The goal is to nurture children who thrive, experience pleasure, and build healthy, supportive relationships.
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Summary:
Having discussions about sex and sexuality with children doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. Start early with ongoing conversations that emphasize body safety, consent, and understanding sexuality. Be prepared for questions, avoid misleading information, and approach the subject with honesty and openness. By doing so, you can help raise children who feel empowered and informed about their bodies and relationships.