Life can get incredibly complex. My partner, James, and I have navigated the ups and downs of home life, job changes, and the joys and challenges of raising children. While my journey hasn’t been a battlefield, I often felt like a soldier, trudging through the thick fog of communication and scaling the towering mountains of discussions about household responsibilities and parenting. I was diligently crafting a strategy to help James understand me and to ensure that our bond—one we promised to uphold before family and friends—would withstand the trials we faced together.
I thought I was executing this plan successfully. That is, until I discovered a major flaw in my approach. I had become so fixated on the immediate challenges ahead that I lost sight of the bigger picture. While journaling about my frustrations or writing letters to highlight my grievances, my focus remained downward. I was also looking down during my long walks meant for reflection and when I resorted to the silence of passive-aggressive behavior.
It’s easy to get caught in this downward gaze. We become so immersed in our personal struggles that we forget to lift our heads and take in the broader view. While journaling and letter writing have their moments of value, my 16 years of marriage revealed that the best starting point is often reevaluating my own focus. Unfortunately, I usually find myself looking down.
This isn’t to negate my feelings of anger or the validity of my hurt. James would readily admit to his fair share of mistakes over the years (and, yes, I have my own). In those early years of marriage, I often stewed in silence, compiling a mental list of “evidence” to justify my anger. I allowed my hurt feelings to fester, focusing solely on my grievances. Understandably, this led to a buildup of tension.
Eventually, I would become so consumed with indignation that I couldn’t even enjoy dinner, let alone keep my feelings bottled up any longer. I would erupt, often with words that I later regretted. I said hurtful things that I’ve since asked for forgiveness for, but the echoes of those words still linger in my mind. Thankfully, I have a husband who endured those moments and listened as I vented my frustrations. Gradually, we would reach a point where we could discuss our issues, but this was a pattern that persisted for far too long.
At the 16-year milestone, our dynamic has transformed. Well, most of the time. When I feel genuinely angry now, my instinct isn’t to lash out or to build my case against him or to bottle my emotions until they explode. Instead, my first reaction is to look up—both literally and figuratively. I consciously choose to reassess the situation from a new perspective, willing to acknowledge my own role in the conflict. Yes, I might still be fuming, and the evidence of my grievances may still weigh heavily on my mind. However, I have learned that presenting my case with a bit of perspective leads to more constructive outcomes.
Every day, I make an effort to look up. I try, at least. This hasn’t magically made our lives problem-free or granted us flawless communication. But it has indeed smoothed out our journey and lessened the pain in our conversations. It has shifted my focus from being right to finding solutions. Most importantly, it has helped me to keep my eyes on the man I fell in love with so many years ago, as he remains right in front of me.
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In summary, the key takeaway from my years of marriage is the importance of perspective. While challenges will always arise, maintaining a broader view helps to foster healthier communication and a deeper appreciation for the partnership we’ve built.
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