It was when my son was just eighteen months old that I first suspected he might be autistic. From the moment he was born, I noticed he was quite different from his older sibling; I mentioned this to my mother right away. However, it took me a while to connect those differences to autism. Because his characteristics are somewhat atypical, convincing the necessary professionals to evaluate him took time. Ultimately, just before his third birthday, we received the diagnosis I had always sensed was coming.
Our boy is autistic. In hindsight, I realized I understood my child better than anyone else. While I felt proud of my determination, receiving the official diagnosis led to an emotional whirlwind.
But it wasn’t for the reasons you might expect.
I wasn’t grieving the child I imagined or hoped for. Walker, just as he is, has always been the child I wanted, and he is the only version I could ever wish for. I wasn’t anxious about what his future might hold—he will carve his own path, like any typical child.
What overwhelmed me was my own lack of knowledge. I was completely unsure of what he would need and questioned if I was capable of being the mother a neurodivergent child deserves. I felt he should have a mom who meticulously organizes appointments and keeps a pristine home, complete with a room filled with Montessori toys and sensory bins. Walker deserved a mother who provided him with organic meals and equine therapy—anything a young autistic child could want.
Instead, he had me: a chaotic mom with a house full of plastic dinosaurs and frozen meals. He got a mom who sometimes forgets appointments until the doctor’s office calls to remind us the night before. He was stuck with a mom who once sent her oldest child to preschool in a giraffe costume because I forgot it was Brown Day and it was the only brown outfit we owned.
I couldn’t provide him with the best of everything. All I could offer was a lot of love and a commitment to learn as much as I could to get him what he needs. Would that be enough?
To this day, I carefully consider where I gather information about autism. I had no idea how much valuable insight autistic adults would share with me. Their willingness to advocate for autistic children has been one of the most enlightening revelations since I began learning about autism. Most of my understanding comes from autistic adults. Had I known they were available to help, I might not have worried so much.
Recently, a follower asked comedian Lisa Thompson on Instagram how she would “cope” if her son were diagnosed with autism, like her spouse, Mark Fisher. Her response struck a chord with me. “How do I cope? I don’t view being on the spectrum as something negative. My husband is my favorite person in the world. He’s kind, funny, interesting, and talented—why would I want my son to be any different?” YES! Thank you, Lisa. The spectrum is filled with remarkable, creative individuals who enrich our world in ways that neurotypical minds often overlook. Some of history’s greatest thinkers were likely autistic. If society could move past the notion that being different equates to being lesser, we could better accommodate autistic individuals and appreciate the extraordinary contributions they make when we stop trying to fit them into a neurotypical mold.
When I mention that Walker is autistic, I often encounter pity.
PITY. Can you believe that? “Oh, I’m sorry. He seems so normal to me!”
Oh. My. God. YUCK. Rude.
First, he is normal. What does “normal” even mean? He is precisely who he is meant to be. Autistic is normal.
Secondly, that’s not a compliment. Walker is under no obligation to not “seem autistic.”
And lastly, spare me your pity! I don’t need a single second of anyone’s condolences. I have the privilege of raising the funniest, most delightful, brilliant, and quirky boy alive. He deserves to grow up in an environment where he is celebrated for who he is, not forced to struggle every moment of his life to fit into a world designed for neurotypical individuals.
I do have to manage his little boy antics. I could use some advice on handling the mud, grass, bugs, and dandelions he drags into the house. If someone can point me to a resource that teaches my sons a bit of caution so they don’t continually engage in risky behavior, I would appreciate that.
However, I’ve never needed help “coping” with Walker’s diagnosis.
I assumed I would need to provide so much for Walker’s success, but what he truly requires is time, space, and the freedom to do things his own way. Fortunately, I have plenty of that!
What we get to share together is a joy. He can flourish at his own pace, and I get to witness it all. He continually impresses me with his intelligence and humor, and I am fortunate to be one of the few who sees all the layers of his personality.
I understand that autism presents differently in each individual. The spectrum is broad, and my son does not represent every autistic person. Some parents with different experiences may feel grief or loss upon learning their child is autistic. I don’t believe that makes them bad parents. They might be receiving information from sources that depict autism as frightening and hopeless. Perhaps, like me, they lack understanding about autism, leading to exposure to sensationalized and inaccurate portrayals. They might see their child struggling and worry that life will always be difficult for them. I know it’s complicated.
But for me, there was nothing to cope with except my own feelings of inadequacy. Once I recognized that I could be the mother my son needs, I could begin to learn genuinely. For me, there was nothing to cope with; just the privilege of raising a child who has as much to teach me as I can hope to teach him.
To learn more about the experiences of autistic individuals, check out this insightful article from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. Additionally, for further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, you can visit this excellent resource.
Summary:
The author reflects on her journey after her son Walker was diagnosed with autism. Instead of feeling sadness or pity over the diagnosis, she embraces her son’s unique qualities and emphasizes the importance of understanding and celebrating neurodiversity. She expresses a desire for society to move past pity and recognize the strengths of autistic individuals. The article highlights the privilege of parenting a child who challenges her to learn and grow.
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Walker, autism, neurodiversity, parenting, autistic advocacy, Jamie Parker