I don’t fit the mold of what you might envision when you think of someone with an eating disorder. I’m not particularly thin or overweight—just fairly average. However, every bite of food I consume is a battle for me. My personality leans toward addiction; I’ve dealt with alcohol and cigarettes in the past, but now my struggle revolves around food. I’ve experienced cycles of binging, purging, and starving, and currently, it’s an all-consuming obsession. I can’t eat anything without analyzing it—how many calories? What’s the fat content? How will it affect my body? Will my black yoga pants and T-shirt hide it? It’s mentally exhausting and deeply disheartening, and I find it difficult to move past it. Despite therapy, food remains my greatest vulnerability.
Quitting cigarettes and alcohol was manageable; you go through withdrawal and come out on the other side. But you can’t just stop eating—you need food to survive. This is a complex reality for someone grappling with an eating disorder. I crave food, but I can’t handle it. If I try to restrict my intake, I end up binging later. When I do eat, I fixate on every single morsel. Enjoying food feels impossible because my mind is a whirlwind of anxiety.
I believe I’m concealing my struggles, but those closest to me can usually see through the façade. New acquaintances might not notice, but I always have a Diet Coke in hand, trying to fill myself with liquid to avoid the temptation of food. When eating in social situations, I often take just enough to be polite, but not enough to feel satisfied. Yet, when dessert is present, I might indulge excessively, only to be met with guilt afterward, berating myself for my choices.
This isn’t a matter of willpower. If it were, I could simply stop. I managed to quit smoking, which the American Heart Association equates to quitting heroin or cocaine. Yet, I can’t eat without feeling the weight of consequences looming over me. There’s always a negative outcome, whether it’s excessive calories, too much fat, or sugar that just makes me hungrier. It feels like a no-win situation.
Oh, how I long to eat like others do! For just one day, I wish I could experience normal eating habits. I genuinely believed I was normal until I had a conversation with a friend about her eating habits. She knew I struggled, but I don’t think she understood the depth of it. I asked her if she thought about every bite she took and the repercussions. Could she truly savor food without feeling guilty moments later? Her bewildered expression shocked me. I assumed everyone dealt with food this way; it’s how I’ve lived my entire life.
Those who don’t struggle with food can’t grasp the reality; it’s not simply a switch that can be flipped. I won’t wake up one day with a healthy relationship with food. I have autoimmune issues that have contributed to weight gain. I know I need to shed a few pounds for my health. Each Sunday night, I set a resolution for the following Monday to start eating healthy and exercising regularly, but I often find myself failing more than succeeding. Getting on board with my own plans proves to be incredibly challenging.
According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, 9% of Americans—approximately 28.8 million people—will experience an eating disorder in their lifetime. This mental illness is one of the deadliest, second only to opioid addiction. Tragically, around 26% of those with an eating disorder will attempt suicide at some point. It’s a devastating illness, and it weighs heavily on my heart.
Here are some alarming statistics: 42% of girls in grades one to three wish to be thinner. An astonishing 81% of 10-year-olds fear being overweight, and 46% of 9 to 11-year-olds are often on diets. Among adolescent girls, between 35% and 57% engage in behaviors like crash dieting, fasting, self-induced vomiting, or using diet pills and laxatives. A survey on college campuses found that 91% of the women reported controlling their weight through dieting. Why is this the case? While Hollywood sets unrealistic standards, it’s also worth noting that 28% to 74% of individuals with eating disorders have a genetic predisposition—our brains are wired differently from those who don’t struggle with food.
Why not just see a therapist? I have, but I haven’t yet had that breakthrough moment that allows me to accept myself regardless of my appearance. My loved ones do their best to uplift me, but when self-belief is absent, it’s a relentless battle. It can be truly debilitating.
In some ways, I consider myself fortunate—if any of us can be considered lucky. I’ve never been hospitalized or attempted suicide, but I’ve faced many other challenges. As a mother to a young daughter, my greatest goal is to shield her from this dangerous disease. Knowing that a tendency toward disordered eating may be in her genetics, much like alcoholism could be, I remain vigilant. This struggle isn’t going away for me anytime soon, and I intend to keep it hidden from her as best I can. She deserves a role model who exemplifies healthy behavior, not one who succumbs to harmful habits. Thus, I’ll continue with therapy, setting goals, and working hard to be the best version of myself for her.
And to anyone out there battling similar issues: You are beautiful, you are worthy, and you are exactly as you were meant to be. Go out and conquer the day—the world is a better place with you in it, just as you are!
This article was originally published on April 4, 2021. If you’re interested in more related content, check out this other blog post.
Summary:
The author shares her personal journey with an eating disorder, emphasizing that it doesn’t conform to societal stereotypes of such illnesses. Despite appearing average, her daily life is consumed by obsessive thoughts surrounding food, calorie counts, and body image. She discusses the challenges of quitting food, the complexities of her mental health, and how societal pressures contribute to eating disorders. The piece highlights the need for understanding and support for those struggling, while also expressing a desire to protect her daughter from similar issues.