Though my mother never physically harmed me, my father regularly used his brown leather belt as a punishment. At the time, I didn’t consider him an abuser; he was simply a product of the parenting norms of the ’80s. However, after starting therapy in the summer of 2020, following my mother’s death, I was flooded with traumatic memories. Nightmares and flashbacks revealed the reality of my childhood: I had been subjected to mental, physical, and emotional abuse from both of my parents. My early years were filled with manipulation, neglect, and emotional turmoil.
I always recognized that my upbringing was unusual. I was born in Florida in 1984 to what many would describe as a “good” family. I had a mother, father, brother, and even a dog, and we lived in a gated community with an above-ground pool. From the outside, life seemed idyllic. But everything shifted between my fifth and sixth birthdays. I went from a carefree child to someone who felt trapped and silenced by abuse, a state that persisted from age six until I turned 36.
You might wonder how I can claim to have been abused without remembering specific events. Trauma often obscures details, leaving behind only feelings and sensations. This is the essence of PTSD. While I can’t recall the exact moments of my abuse, I remember enough of my childhood to know that I was belittled and physically harmed. I was called names that made me feel worthless and was subjected to inappropriate situations, including being photographed in vulnerable moments.
Statistics reveal that 1 in 7 children in the U.S. experiences child abuse, and many assume that abuse is only physical. In reality, neglect is the most common form, followed by physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. In my case, my father’s physical actions were accompanied by my mother’s emotional manipulation. After my father died, I was left to fend for myself at just 12 years old, enduring verbal and emotional attacks that stunted my emotional growth.
The impact of this abuse has been profound. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy and a desperate need for approval. My mental state is still haunted by the negative messages I received, and I often feel unsafe in my own body. Despite needing connection, I recoil from physical touch, feeling anxious and uneasy.
However, I am on a path to healing. I am currently working with a psychologist and psychiatrist to reclaim my sense of self and rewrite my narrative. Soon, I will begin sessions with a trauma specialist who uses EMDR therapy, aiming to move beyond the shadows of my past. Each day, I remind myself that I am enough, even if those words don’t always resonate with me yet. As my psychologist advises, my brain is listening. Though this journey is challenging and revisiting past trauma feels re-victimizing, I do not identify as a victim. I consider myself a survivor and a thriver, determined to overcome the differences in my life and find peace.
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Summary:
The author shares their journey from being a victim of childhood abuse to becoming a survivor. Through therapy and self-discovery, they confront their traumatic past and work towards healing and empowerment. By recognizing the complexities of abuse, they highlight the importance of mental health support and the ongoing struggle for recovery.