Relief is a profound emotion, often experienced when anxiety or distress dissipates. It’s like the refreshing sensation of a cool breeze or the delightful aroma of flowers blooming for the first time. However, this feeling is rarely associated with loss, especially when it comes to the death of a loved one. Yet, for me, the passing of my mother brought an unexpected sense of relief.
In June, when my mother passed away, I experienced a wave of comfort and happiness. It was a moment of both respite and reprieve. The reason for this reaction lies in the complexity of her character. My mother battled mental health issues and struggled with addiction as she aged. She could be harsh, often exclaiming, “Forget this!” or “To hell with that!” Furthermore, she was emotionally abusive, leaving a lasting impact on my life.
For 36 years, I endured her emotional manipulation and verbal attacks. Her death offered me closure and, yes, relief. I grappled with feelings of shame and anger for my initial response—after all, who feels grateful when their own mother dies? Yet, to understand my reaction, one must comprehend the tumultuous relationship we had.
My mother was indeed a complicated individual. She faced years of untreated depression, which cast a shadow over my childhood with its despair and turmoil. She often belittled me, labeling me as stupid and worthless. As she turned to alcohol in her fifties, our already strained relationship grew even more difficult.
While I didn’t harbor hatred for her, I despised the person she became and the repercussions of her choices. The relationship was fraught with constant trauma, and I never felt good enough. Trying to maintain a connection with her kept me trapped in a cycle of victimhood, unable to escape the years of neglect and abuse.
Loving someone with addiction is incredibly challenging. I felt an overwhelming sense of duty to save her, as if it were my burden to carry. Therefore, when I received the call that she was “missing” on June 24th, I remained calm. The possibility of her death brought me a sense of relief—it meant there would be no more suffering for either of us. We would finally be free.
I attempted to reach her at 1:00 PM, but like my sister, my calls went unanswered. By 3:00 PM, my husband and I drove to her house. No one responded when we knocked, so I used a key to enter her apartment building. Ascending the stairs, I prepared myself for what I might find. I inhaled deeply before opening her door—not out of fear, but because I felt a sense of freedom. Finally, the storm would be over; she would be at peace, and I would be safe.
Let me clarify: I never wished for her death. Despite my relief, I often wish she were still here—things could have been different. I long for the relationship we could have had and mourn the memories we will never create. Guilt and shame accompany these feelings. I didn’t save her; I didn’t save us.
It’s crucial to recognize that many people feel relief after the loss of a complicated loved one. An article on What’s Your Grief notes that this emotion is often treated like a taboo. Relief in grief is not something to be ashamed of; it doesn’t negate the sadness. Emotions are complex, and it’s possible to feel multiple things at once.
If you’re navigating the loss of a complicated relationship and finding relief, know that you are not alone, and your feelings are valid.
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Summary:
This article discusses the complex emotions of relief and guilt experienced after the death of a complicated parent. The author reflects on a troubled relationship marked by emotional abuse and addiction, revealing how the passing of her mother brought a sense of freedom. The narrative emphasizes that feelings of relief are valid and common among those mourning complicated relationships.