Dear Mom and Dad,
It feels strange to refer to you as such. In my eyes, I’ve never truly had parents. You were physically present, but emotionally absent.
For years, I’ve struggled with anger. You were right in pointing it out; I do have issues with anger. Being taught to suppress negative emotions, feeling shame for my hurt, and constantly being gaslit led to deep-seated anger. You made me feel that anger equated to being a bad person. Yet, you were free to express your volatility and verbal abuse, leaving me feeling like the bad one, even when I was silent. Your actions left me confused and questioning my sanity, wondering if I was somehow evil and undeserving of life.
I was angry. More than that, I was angry at myself. Why wasn’t I lovable enough? Why wasn’t I pretty enough? Why wasn’t I just enough? Ultimately, I concluded that it must be my fault. You instilled in me the belief that you were never to blame. I became a master at holding myself accountable for your actions towards me.
But I was just a child. You were the adults. It was never my fault. I know I wasn’t the perfect child, and sometimes I caused you stress, but that doesn’t justify your behavior. You were still in the wrong.
For years, I have waited for sincere apologies. I would reconsider reconnecting with you if I believed you had changed. But your apologies feel empty. They seem to be uttered because you know that’s what people expect, not because you truly feel remorse. You express regret hoping I will forget the past and that we can return to the way things were.
What you fail to grasp is that your “normal” is not something I want to return to. I refuse to go back to hating myself, to living in fear, to feeling hopelessly unloved. Your apologies wound deeper than silence. You don’t believe that parents should apologize to their children. When your apologies come with demands for me not to be upset and to simply accept your words, it’s clear that my hopes for your change are unfounded. You think parents are always right, and children must respect them regardless of their actions.
I did respect you, but I now believe that respect is earned, just as disrespect can be too. While I would never stoop to cruelty, I can’t bring myself to respect individuals who continually hurt their own children, exploiting their forgiveness without appreciation for the chance they’ve been given.
The last time I saw you, Mom, your passive-aggressive comment about my future children stung deeply. I know you secretly wish for my children to distance themselves from me, hoping that I will come to understand you and absolve you of your actions. Dad, in your last letter, you lamented the challenges of parenting, revealing your desire for me to experience the same struggles so I might excuse your behavior.
These words were painful. They invalidated my feelings and crushed any hope I had for your growth.
And for that, I thank you. Thank you for demonstrating the importance of adults apologizing to children. Thank you for teaching me that respect is not an automatic right. Thank you for showing me that parents must accept responsibility for their actions, regardless of their circumstances. Thank you for reminding me that apologies must be genuine and followed by actions that ensure a child feels safe and loved.
Because if I ever find myself in a position of hurting my children, I will not shy away from admitting my mistakes. I won’t let pride prevent me from recognizing my children’s maturity or their right to have a voice. My kids will feel safe approaching me with their feelings, knowing they can speak freely.
Thank you for teaching me how NOT to parent.
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Summary:
In a heartfelt letter, the author expresses gratitude to their unloving parents for the lessons learned about parenting and emotional support. They reflect on the pain caused by emotional neglect and the importance of accountability in relationships, highlighting a commitment to raising their future children with compassion and understanding, ensuring they feel safe and respected.