When the kids were napping, my partner, Jake, pulled me aside and revealed he had filed for divorce. He had hired an attorney, made a deposit on a rental property, and set a move-in date for the following month. It was clear he had rehearsed his words; he was trying his best. At that point, we were both emotionally drained, and I don’t think he even remembered it was Valentine’s Day.
The pain I felt was indescribable. Honestly, feeling miserable would have been a step up; I was beyond that. In the span of a year, I had been pregnant, given birth to a second daughter, balanced a demanding job, contracted COVID, and now faced a divorce—all during a pandemic. I wouldn’t wish this turmoil on anyone.
Initially, I felt blindsided and betrayed, but in hindsight, Jake’s announcement wasn’t entirely unexpected. I had been advocating for a separation and carelessly tossing around the idea of divorce for over a year. I had been angry and frustrated—maybe due to pregnancy hormones or the anxiety of COVID; it could have been the challenges of raising two small children, the pressure of my job, or the confines of our small home that we had outgrown. The isolation from lockdowns, our well-meaning in-laws, navigating an interracial marriage amid social unrest, and our differing political views all contributed to the strain. Ultimately, maybe it was just that our marriage wasn’t meant to last, and it took these experiences for us to realize it was time to close that chapter.
Before Jake’s announcement, I had so much anger toward him that I caught myself joking about whether he would be worth more dead than alive (let me be clear, I don’t wish him harm). In my anger, I began researching divorce, primarily concerned about how it would affect our children. However, there was also a part of me that wanted to “win” this battle, as if life were a competition, and I aimed to come out on top. With the overwhelming amount of information available online, dramatized portrayals of divorce in media, targeted ads, and an entire industry profiting from divorce, it was all too easy to spiral into a dark mindset, especially during COVID.
I began to expand my knowledge beyond online forums. I read books, attended free county webinars on divorce, listened to podcasts, spoke with a therapist, joined a Zoom therapy group, reached out to others who had been through divorce, and leaned on family and friends for support. As I immersed myself in learning about divorce, my initial goal of “winning” transformed. I felt as if I had metaphorically purged, sat in my own mess, and was forced to reflect.
The reality was that it didn’t matter what Jake did or how right I believed I was; I could only control my own actions. If I lingered in my discomfort long enough, I might find some clarity and peace within myself. It was time to stop chasing external validation and instead focus on cultivating my own inner light.
The decision about whether to stay in my marriage had to come from a place of self-awareness. When I had asked for a separation, I was driven by anger rather than a grounded perspective. I noticed a similar pattern in others I spoke with, where both men and women often blamed their partners rather than reflecting on their own contributions to the issues. I heard too many men labeling their soon-to-be ex-wives as having borderline personality disorder, while women categorized their ex-husbands as narcissists. Surely, not everyone could fit into these categories.
Ultimately, I came to realize that I wasn’t ready for a divorce and needed to focus on personal growth within the marriage. Ironically, the decision was made for me on a day dedicated to love. Perhaps this choice will end up being the most significant act of love I can show myself.
Letting go means taking responsibility for my actions, mourning the loss of my expectations for the marriage, and taking steps toward a brighter future for myself and my children. It doesn’t matter if I was 5% or 95% to blame; we all experience loss in some form. My accountability in the marriage’s downfall included:
- Not establishing and communicating clear emotional boundaries, which led to resentment.
- Feeding my anxiety about the future, which detracted from being present.
- Competing with my partner instead of fostering connection, resulting in avoidance and bitterness.
- Believing I could change him, blinded by my ego.
- Fighting to win arguments instead of working toward a healthy marriage.
- Using blame to distract from my own insecurities.
- Poorly communicating my needs.
- Thinking that more effort would resolve our issues, when in reality, I needed to approach things differently.
Now that I see these patterns, I cannot unsee them. I need to work on changing these behaviors for my well-being and for my children. This journey will take time, and while I wished I could have done it alongside Jake, I accept that I will embark on this path independently, supported by a community I’ve built.
While I’m grateful for my privilege as a soon-to-be single mother, I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone. In moments when I feel small, I will strive to live fully. For me, living fully means embracing vulnerability with intention, honesty, and kindness. It involves continuing my journey toward self-actualization and showing compassion to myself as I would to others.
And ultimately, it means letting go.
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Summary
This article reflects on the author’s experience navigating a divorce during the pandemic, revealing insights gained through self-reflection and personal growth. It emphasizes the importance of accountability, personal change, and the journey toward healing while highlighting resources for those in similar situations.