When I first learned about the tragic deaths of eight people in Atlanta, six of whom were Asian women, I felt a deep heaviness in my heart. The recent surge in violence and discrimination against individuals who look like me and my family had reached a chilling new height. A wave of fears flooded my mind. Was this a grim turning point? Would the situation only deteriorate from here?
After discussing my feelings of sadness and concern with my wife, who is White, we decided it was important for me to talk to our older children about these distressing events. Explaining senseless violence and loss to children is incredibly challenging, but, unfortunately, I have had to navigate difficult conversations before, such as discussing the murder of George Floyd, the Capitol riots, and the racism faced by Asian Americans.
My wife and I want our kids to be informed and aware of current events, particularly those related to our family’s values regarding social justice and our biracial identity. While I may never find the exact right words, I believe that creating imperfect educational moments is far better than allowing my children to remain uninformed or misled by hearsay.
I took a day to process my emotions before speaking to my kids, wanting to avoid upsetting them during our conversation. The next day, I asked my two oldest daughters, aged 10 and 8, to sit down for a talk. I explained that I had something troubling to share.
In a way that suited their understanding, I conveyed that something tragic had happened involving a man who killed eight people, six of whom were Asian women. I expressed my sorrow over the loss of life and emphasized that some victims looked like us. I reminded them of our previous discussions about hatred and violence against Asian people, particularly highlighting the increase during the pandemic due to COVID-19 originating in China.
As I concluded the discussion, I found myself facing the most challenging part. I didn’t want to end on a negative note or instill fear in them, so I assured them that they would be safe. I had no real certainty in that statement, but I felt it was necessary to say. To further comfort them, I mentioned that these events occurred far away on the other side of the country.
Immediately after our conversation, I realized I had not been truthful. I couldn’t guarantee their safety from harm. In fact, data from Stop AAPI Hate highlights the prevalence of hate incidents in California and among youth. Just the week before, I had heard about a physical attack on an Asian man in a nearby community. Beyond physical violence, my family could face a range of hate acts, including verbal harassment, online abuse, and vandalism.
So why did I tell my kids they would be okay? First, I felt an overwhelming need to protect them. One of my responsibilities as a parent is to prepare my children for the realities of the world. I wanted to inform them about these tragic events, but I didn’t want to instill complete fear. That would be paralyzing rather than protective.
Second, as an Asian man, I often struggle with acknowledging and expressing my feelings. I have a tendency to suppress my emotions, thinking they might hinder my ability to function. I didn’t want to share the anger and hatred I felt towards those responsible for the violence. That fear of losing control led me to lie and reassure my kids that they would be okay.
Lastly, I had no specific information on what actions were being taken to address this situation. If I had known of concrete steps being taken to combat anti-Asian violence, I would have shared that with my children. But in the moment, I felt there was little hope to convey. It seems that, until recently, it was primarily Asian Americans who had been voicing concerns about this issue. The best comfort I could offer my kids was vague reassurances. So I lied and told them they would be okay.
I eagerly await the day when I can tell my children they will be okay without it being a lie. In my darkest moments, I worry that day may not come in my lifetime or theirs. Yet in my more hopeful moments, I believe that families like ours speaking out and uniting can drive the necessary changes.
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In summary, as a dad, I grapple with the reality of discussing challenging topics with my children. While I strive to protect them, I also recognize the importance of preparing them for the truth about the world. My attempts to reassure them sometimes lead to unintentional dishonesty, highlighting the complexities of parenting in today’s society.