How to Assemble Ikea Furniture in 35 Simple Steps

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If you’ve ever tackled an Ikea furniture project, you might relate to the chaos it can bring—much like parenting. No matter how many times you swear off the hassle, the allure of that flat-pack promise is just too tempting. Here’s a foolproof strategy to ensure your next Ikea experience is less of a nightmare and keeps the peace at home:

1. Wait until the kids are sound asleep, then dive into the project feeling optimistic and ready to conquer.
2. Skim through the instructions, because who needs to read the fine print?
3. When your partner raises an eyebrow at your confidence, chuckle dismissively and say, “Seriously, this is as easy as pie!”
4. Start off easy by fitting dowel rods together.
5. Smugly assure yourself, “I’ll wrap this up in 20 minutes and still have time to binge-watch my favorite show.”
6. Secure the first nut and slide in the bolt.
7. Attempt to turn the bolt using just your fingernail. Spoiler alert: it won’t end well.
8. Grab the pliers to hold the nut steady (as suggested).
9. While holding the nut, use the Allen wrench to tighten the bolt.
10. Watch in horror as the bolt drops to the floor.
11. Use your foot to stabilize the pliers.
12. With one hand, place the bolt back into the hole while twisting the wrench with the other.
13. Consider calling in the reinforcements—maybe a monkey would do better.
14. Reluctantly allow your partner to assist (since they think feet and tools don’t mix).
15. Witness the “helpful” Allen wrench slip, sending all your pieces crashing down.
16. Briefly entertain thoughts of revenge.
17. Think to yourself, “Oh, Allen, I know your name, and I will hunt you down.”
18. Take a moment to unwind with a glass of wine and Google “Who invented the Allen wrench?”
19. Discover the inventor is long gone—so at least you can cross that off your list of grievances.
20. Curse Allen’s name and wish him a purgatorial existence assembling furniture.
21. Return to the assembly, only to find there’s no hole for the bolt in the final step.
22. Head to your toolbox for the trusty hammer and nails because, honestly, hitting things is oddly satisfying.
23. Realize that over-tightening bolts can split the wood. Even breathing too hard seems to threaten its integrity.
24. When you finally try to make that extra hole, the wood holds firm as if it were built to last.
25. Exclaim, “Forget it!” and pour yourself another glass of wine, wondering how quickly it will all burn down.
26. Consider using power tools, even if the instructions say no.
27. If you don’t have power tools, head to the store to buy some—and while you’re at it, grab more wine.
28. Hand the tools to your partner, who is currently cursing Ikea’s CEO while plotting his own revenge.
29. Pour another glass of wine.
30. Finally, watch as your partner drills the hole and connects the last piece.
31. Realize, to your dismay, that there was already a hole and the piece is in backwards.
32. Observe, with a hint of tipsy amusement, as your partner’s frustration reaches new levels.
33. Down another glass of wine.
34. Go to bed vowing you’ll never purchase another piece of Ikea furniture.
35. Yet, come next month, you’ll find yourself at Ikea again.

There you have it! The real secret to surviving Ikea furniture assembly? A good bottle of wine. If you want to read more about navigating the ups and downs of parenting and DIY projects, check out our other blog post here. And if you’re considering home insemination, visit Make a Mom for reliable DIY kits. For further insights into fertility and pregnancy, Cleveland Clinic offers excellent resources.

In summary, assembling Ikea furniture can be a rollercoaster of emotions, much like parenting. But with a little humor, a good drink, and the right support, you can conquer any flat-pack challenge.