Every time a commercial for some outlandish toy flashes across the screen, my children turn into little tornadoes. They scream out for me to come witness the latest marvel until I drop everything and join them in front of the TV. After a quick five-second viewing, they launch into a fervent pitch, alternating between begging me to buy it and extolling its virtues like tiny salespeople.
As if the TV wasn’t enough, my kids recently discovered that Walmart has an entire aisle dedicated to these ridiculous products. So when my mission is to grab a laundry basket and some chicken, I’m instead inundated with requests for items like SpongeBob Chia Pets. It feels like “As Seen on TV” is following me everywhere.
Here are a few of my “favorite” products from the As Seen on TV lineup and the reasons I will never bring them home.
Squishy Sand
This so-called miracle product claims it won’t stick to anything, including hands and surfaces, making it a supposed perfect indoor toy. Yeah, right. I’ve dealt with Moon Sand before, and let me tell you, its granules infiltrate carpets like a bad habit and harden like Play-Doh over time. I already spend enough time cleaning without adding this nonsense to the mix. Plus, my kids would probably try to use it as a projectile in a sand fight. No thanks.
Juggle Bubbles
Marketed as a bubble solution that allows you to create bubbles that won’t pop—if you wear special gloves—this product raises a red flag. It means I’d have to buy gloves for each kid because ungloved hands are apparently bubble murderers. What happens when the bubbles land on something other than the gloves? Do they explode? Do they smell like cheap plastic? If so, I’ll pass. My kids need to keep all the brain cells they can grasp.
Party in the Tub Light
Bath time in my house is already a chaotic event, and I’m not turning off the lights for this gimmick to “create ambiance.” Wet floors plus darkness equals me going down like a ton of bricks. I’m not turning my kids’ bath into a nightclub! The infomercial claims it’s a fun way to encourage preteens to clean up, but I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue—next thing you know, I’ll be setting up a DJ booth!
Hamper Hoops
This product is marketed as a clever way to get kids to toss their dirty clothes into a basket shaped like a basketball hoop. Spoiler alert: it won’t work. Clothes will still be strewn about the house, and I can already see the Hamper Hoops becoming a catch-all for their secret candy stashes. Plus, I can envision an emergency room visit when one of my kids decides to dunk on it. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Tummy Stuffers
These are stuffed animals designed to help kids clean up by letting them shove everything into them. Seriously? First, they need to learn to put their toys away properly, not just dump them into a plush toy. Secondly, not everything belongs in the same place. My youngest, for instance, still wears Pull-Ups at night and has been known to toss them under her bed instead of in the trash. Do I want a pee-soaked diaper mingling with toys and sippy cups? Absolutely not. I’ll pass on this one too.
The marketing behind these As Seen on TV products is genius, turning kids into relentless salespeople. It’s like having a persistent used car salesman follow you home, pestering you non-stop until you give in. The crafty producers know their commercials add to the daily parenting stress, leading to impulse buys in moments of weakness. If I ever find myself picking up the phone to buy something from this lineup, let’s just hope it’s something worthwhile, like a DVD of dance lessons from Channing Tatum—not a Tummy Stuffer.
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Summary:
The allure of “As Seen on TV” products often leads to chaos and frustration in households. From Squishy Sand to Tummy Stuffers, many of these items promise fun but also bring about undesirable consequences. As parents, we must navigate these marketing traps while maintaining a semblance of order in our homes.
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