Here’s a reality: I truly admire my mother.
But here’s another: I’m scared of becoming like her.
That may sound harsh or ungrateful, especially considering what an amazing mom she has been. She divorced my father when my brother and I were just toddlers, managing to raise us singlehandedly after he walked away. Juggling three jobs, she ensured we never experienced hunger. She set boundaries while also forgiving our mistakes, always encouraging us to strive for excellence.
To achieve all this, she sacrificed her own life entirely for my brother and me. Rarely did she go out, pursue her passions, or create a space for herself outside of being a “single mom.” She devoted everything to us, yet in that process, she never laid down the foundations for her own life as we grew up and moved on.
Now that my brother and I have our own families, she finds joy in being with her grandkids and often engages in quiet pastimes to keep herself occupied. However, she lacks meaningful friendships or hobbies and doesn’t seem interested in pursuing any lifelong dreams now. What strikes me is how lonely it seems from an outsider’s perspective.
This observation gives me a glimpse of a future I’m racing toward, and it terrifies me.
Recently, I separated from my children’s father. For various reasons, he’s completely out of the picture, leaving me to raise my two daughters alone. Every need—financial and emotional—will fall on my shoulders, mirroring the life my mom led around my age.
I understand the immense effort required to raise two children well; it demands everything, and I’m prepared to give all that, just as my mother did for us. My daughters deserve no less.
Yet, as I look at my mother’s current life, I realize that I don’t want that for myself. I fear becoming trapped in a cycle of giving too much and ending up with nothing left for myself. Even if she is seemingly content now, after a lifetime of struggle, she has earned the right to enjoy her own life.
I know that I wouldn’t find happiness in that scenario. I need to establish a foundation for my life that exists “after”—after my children are grown and busy with their own lives. I must invest time now in nurturing friendships that will sustain me later, and also find time for my own interests and future aspirations—time my mother never claimed for herself.
So how do I balance that? How do I give as much as she did without losing who I am in the process?
I could give endlessly and just wait for my turn to reclaim my life a decade from now. However, I’ve come to realize that life doesn’t stop in your late forties; it can actually become more fulfilling then.
Ultimately, the key for me will be to abandon the idea of perfect balance. I need to recognize that holding onto a piece of “me” means not giving everything away. Motherhood shouldn’t be about self-sacrifice. You don’t have to lose your sense of self to raise good kids who learn to thrive.
Additionally, I need to step back from the fear of becoming like my mom and instead appreciate her life as it is. She has found happiness and fills her days with what brings her joy. Perhaps she’s actually living the life she envisioned for herself all along.
I often think my mother stumbled into this life inadvertently. I tell myself that she didn’t realize that by giving us everything, she’d have little left for herself. But, I never asked her if that was true. Maybe she was fully aware of her choices, balancing what was best for both her and her children.
And if that’s the case, perhaps there’s a lot I can learn from her.
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Summary
This article explores the complex relationship between a daughter and her mother, highlighting the admiration and fear of repeating her mother’s sacrifices as a single parent. It emphasizes the need for balance in motherhood, advocating for self-care and personal growth while nurturing children.
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Keywords: Motherhood, Single Parent, Self-Care, Personal Growth, Family Relationships