In my high school sex education class, our teachers—who were primarily male gym coaches—showed us graphic slides showcasing genitalia covered in alarming sores. This was one of their tactics to deter us from engaging in sexual activity. Another method involved collecting anonymous questions from students on slips of paper and reading them aloud, but the answers were often lacking. The result was more mockery than education; some students even submitted cheeky inquiries like, “What STD can you catch at Red Lobster? Crabs!” This whole endeavor was far from educational and left us with a shallow understanding of sex.
The teachers focused heavily on the two main dangers of sex: unwanted pregnancy and STDs. Conversations about consent, personal boundaries, or anything beyond vaginal intercourse were virtually nonexistent. I remember one teacher demonstrating how to put a condom on a banana, which understandably upset many parents. This led us to mistakenly believe that anything outside of vaginal sex was safe and permissible. The same abstinence principles were echoed in our church teachings, where the ultimate sin was anything beyond a home run. The messages we received about abstaining created a warped view of sex and left us without a proper understanding of our own bodies and boundaries.
The True Love Waits movement emphasized that our virginity was a precious gift to be saved for our future spouse, who would also have waited for marriage. After the wedding, we were encouraged to have sex freely and start a family as soon as possible. This narrative suggested that following these guidelines would lead to a happy, fulfilling life, free from shame for ourselves or our families. A perfect scenario, right?
If you’ve seen “Bridgerton,” you may recall the scene where Daphne tries to discuss sex with her mother, only to receive no real information. The message was clear: just don’t do it. Your virginity is a treasure that should only be given to the right person. True love apparently means waiting—implying that if you don’t wait, your love isn’t genuine.
In youth group, many of us wore our virginity like a badge of honor. Some even sported bracelets that proclaimed “True Love Waits,” which would eventually be replaced by wedding rings. We were heavily indoctrinated with Joshua Harris’ book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which the author later disavowed. The book promoted the idea that courtship was the divine path for us, leading to strict rules of engagement, such as no physical contact beyond side hugs.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with choosing to wait until marriage to have sex, regardless of how outdated it may seem to some. The real issue lies in the lack of informed consent regarding personal boundaries. Those of us educated under an abstinence-only framework were never truly informed.
For me, the True Love Waits movement significantly skewed my understanding of sex and hindered my ability to engage in healthy sexual relationships. This ideology set extreme expectations—control your desires until your wedding night, but without clearly defining what constitutes appropriate behavior. Many peers and I found ourselves exploring various sexual acts, including oral sex, while still feeling like we were adhering to the rules, as long as we avoided pregnancy. Safe sex practices were never discussed, and ignorance reigned.
We were never taught about our bodies, the significance of self-exploration, routine health check-ups, STD testing, or even contraceptives. Much like the character in “Bridgerton,” we were expected to have a perfect, fulfilling sex life with our future spouse after marriage, which often didn’t align with reality. Girls raised in purity culture often had no understanding of their own anatomy, what an orgasm was, or that experiencing one was not sinful.
The church quickly condemned homosexuality, divorce, and premarital sex, focusing more on what we should avoid rather than what we could explore positively. This taught us that girls were responsible for boys’ temptations and that normal sexual feelings were taboo. I spent countless hours memorizing selective Bible verses to combat my own desires.
How are we expected to simply turn off the guilt once we get married and embrace a fulfilling sexual relationship without doubt or shame? It’s nearly impossible. After being taught that sex is mysterious, a gift, an obligation, and a sin outside marriage, transitioning into a sexual relationship with someone can lead to significant challenges.
It has taken me years to unlearn the misconceptions I had about sex. Overcoming feelings of embarrassment and confusion isn’t a quick process. We can’t just flip a switch and suddenly enjoy a healthy sex life, whether with ourselves or a partner.
I feel a sense of resentment that purity culture and inadequate sex education stole years of healthy experiences from me and others raised similarly. What opportunities did we miss because we couldn’t shake the belief that our sexual desires were wrong? All we can do now is process our pasts and work toward a healthier future for ourselves and the next generation, ensuring we don’t impart the same damaging lessons. One thing I know for sure is that the True Love Waits movement lacked both truth and love.
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Summary:
Growing up during the True Love Waits movement deeply impacted my understanding of sex, leading to confusion and guilt rather than healthy perspectives. The lack of comprehensive sexual education and the emphasis on abstinence created an environment where shame overshadowed knowledge. It’s essential to reflect on these teachings and work toward breaking the cycle for future generations.