For years, my partner and I have struggled to communicate openly about our sexual needs—decades, in fact. There are a multitude of reasons that have contributed to this lack of dialogue, from raising children to personal health issues, not to mention our differing backgrounds—my family was loud and expressive, while his leaned toward safer topics like the weather. Nonetheless, I realize these are just excuses. Discussing our desires in the bedroom is just as vital as talking about finances, our children’s education, or our careers.
One day, I decided I was done dancing around the topic. We have a loving and respectful relationship, share household tasks, and co-parent effectively. So why couldn’t we have a straightforward conversation about sex? The truth is, we rarely engage in intimacy, partly because I often find myself uninterested for two weeks out of each month. As a feminist, I’ve always believed I owe no one—least of all my spouse—an explanation for my lack of desire. But this silence was only resulting in disappointment and frustration for both of us.
During the week leading up to my period, I experience intense cravings, cramps, and irritability. I know, I fit the stereotypical image of someone with PMS. Feeling sexy is the last thing on my mind. I’d rather wear my comfy sweatpants, indulge in cookies, and prepare for the inevitable arrival of my period. Engaging in intimacy during this time feels as appealing as letting my child watch another episode of that repetitive show.
Then comes my actual period, which has grown lengthier and more intense as I’ve aged. I’m equipped with wet wipes, heating pads, and pain relievers, and spending time in a zombie-like state under a blanket sounds far more appealing than any romantic encounter. Just the thought of intimacy is laughable—I’d rather watch paint dry.
This leaves me with two weeks, which I call my “happy weeks,” where I feel energetic and ready for anything, including intimacy. During these weeks, my clothes fit well, I’m hydrated, and I’m not overwhelmed by fatigue. I’m actually excited about the prospect of being intimate.
Eventually, I gathered my courage and told my partner about my ‘sex window’ one night while we were enjoying a silly show on HULU. I could see the shock on his face, perhaps thinking I was about to share something significant. I said, “I’m on a four-week cycle. Here’s the deal—I have a sex window.” I explained that I’m only interested in intimacy during two weeks out of the month—after my period and the week following. There’s occasionally a grace period of half a week.
We jokingly discussed the idea of me writing a number representing my current week on a piece of paper in our room or sending a quick text to him. However, we settled on a straightforward approach: he could ask, “Which week?” and I’d respond with a number. If it’s one or two, we’re good to go. But if it’s three or four, then it’s best to look elsewhere for satisfaction.
I know this may seem absurd to some. I’ve heard of women who would never dream of denying intimacy to their partners, fearing that a “no” might lead their partners to seek satisfaction elsewhere. I’m not one of those women, and I don’t carry that worry. Others might resort to saying they have a headache as an excuse or force themselves to engage, even when they feel awful. That’s not for me—I value honesty, especially with myself.
As a couple with a long history, we have our own unique security. Our marriage may not be perfect, but there’s no reason we can’t establish a clear ‘sex window’ that I communicate openly. I can’t pinpoint why it took us so long to realize this, but life gets busy, and couples often overlook important discussions, whether they involve finances, parenting, or intimacy.
Choosing to simplify our conversations about intimacy has been a relief. When both partners are considerate of each other, it sometimes leads to communication breakdowns that hinder necessary discussions. With our new system in place, there’s no more beating around the bush when it comes to intimacy.
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Summary
I finally opened up to my partner about my ‘sex window,’ which has been a game changer for our intimacy. By clearly communicating when I feel interested and when I don’t, we’ve removed the guesswork and frustration from our relationship. This approach has relieved a lot of tension, allowing us to focus on enjoying our time together during the weeks when I’m most receptive.