I will always remember the intense pressure (or rather, competition) that accompanied stepping into motherhood. Other moms seemed convinced that using flash cards, loud educational toys, Baby Einstein videos, and custom-made board books would transform our little ones into prodigies. Bragging was the norm. Could your newly-minted fourteen-month-old count to five in Spanish? Did little Jamie recognize shapes, letters, or even the days of the week? Don’t forget baby signing and sight words—those are critical too! Oh, and how about your kindergartner making the honor roll?
Here’s a reality check: Babies just want to play. That should be their primary focus, along with the basics of eating, sleeping, and the occasional tantrum. But we weren’t having it. Our kids had to be the best, and we made sure everyone knew—frequently. Yet, over time and with the addition of more kids to my family, I’ve come to understand that parenting is not about us as parents. Our children don’t benefit from our bragging or from critiquing others’ kids. In fact, it often just makes us appear self-centered. I’ve also realized that the urge to showcase our children’s superiority is rooted in privilege.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling proud of our children or sharing their achievements with friends and family—especially in today’s social media-driven world. However, when we push our kids to showcase their talents for the sake of our own egos, it becomes distasteful. All it does is teach our children that their worth is tied to their ability to make us happy—if only for a moment.
The truth is, parents can provide love, support, and encouragement, yet that doesn’t guarantee their children will excel in comparison to their peers. Some kids have special needs, while others might be different without any formal diagnosis. Where do they fit into this parental competition? When I overheard newer moms chatting at the playground, all subtly bragging about their toddlers’ achievements, I felt a strong urge to intervene. What about the mom on the fringe, pushing her child in the adaptive swing, a child who doesn’t speak?
It seems that having the “best” kids often stems from privilege. Only certain parents can afford extracurricular activities, camps, and specialized training to enhance their children’s skills. The costs of tutors and coaching can be exorbitant, and attending events—like out-of-state championship games—often requires resources that not everyone has. Thus, kids who already have an advantage in life are often propelled further into privilege, gaining bragging rights along the way.
Meanwhile, families with special needs children often struggle just to secure basic services, like access to a quality public education that is on par with their peers. We find ourselves in IEP meetings advocating for necessary services, battling with insurance companies for essential therapies.
I believe that most parents genuinely love their children. However, when they imply that they are superior based on their kids’ accomplishments (which may come from privilege), they are inadvertently suggesting that they possess some kind of special talent for parenting that others—especially those raising neurodiverse children—lack. Comparing your “above-average” children to others is not only pointless but also quite rude.
The ableism and privilege inherent in parental bragging is troubling. It suggests that other parents simply need to try harder—set goals, stop making excuses, and strive for success. In reality, we know that children who excel often have the benefit of wealth and opportunities that are not accessible to all.
We embrace our children for who they are, regardless of their size, abilities, or needs. We’ll work diligently to help them thrive at their own pace. What we refuse to do is engage in bragging that stems from selfishness. Such behavior does not serve our children and certainly does not make us better parents.
I wish I could tell my younger self that the timing of my baby’s milestones doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. Who cares if another mom’s toddler sleeps through the night while mine doesn’t? That doesn’t make me a bad mom, nor does it suggest anything is wrong with my child. It’s irrelevant when my preschooler learned to write their name or mixed up the numbers between thirteen and nineteen.
Parental bragging is a futile exercise. For the braggart, it might provide a fleeting sense of self-worth, but for the listener, it can breed resentment and jealousy. It ends up being a lose-lose situation to make our children’s growth—regardless of how it unfolds—about us. We can celebrate our children’s achievements without boasting to the world about how remarkable we—excuse me, our kids—are.
This article was originally published on Feb. 26, 2021. If you’re interested in more insightful content, check out this related post from our blog. For expert advice on home insemination, visit Make a Mom. Additionally, the CDC provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
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Summary:
The pressures of parental bragging can overshadow the true essence of motherhood, which is to nurture and support our children without comparing their achievements to others. It’s important to recognize that every child has their own unique journey and that boasting about our kids often stems from privilege rather than parenting prowess. Instead of engaging in competition, we should focus on celebrating our children for who they are, fostering their growth at their own pace without tying their worth to our egos.