My close friend insists that I possess a kind heart. He believes I’ve always been there for those who reached out to me. While I did have my moments of compassion in college, I was also a quintessential mean girl. I wasn’t just following a trend; I was the archetypal Queen Bee, actively perpetuating cruelty and publicly humiliating others for my amusement. I made jokes at the expense of others’ dignity—and I deeply regret it.
Sure, I could show kindness. But I was also capable of being a ruthless bully, with the confidence and support of my circle. When the campus prom queen mocked my accent in front of a crowd, I felt a wave of shame wash over me. “He probably still thinks about that at night,” my husband once remarked. My heart sank. Yes, it was a humorous moment, but it came at a significant cost to someone already battling personal issues. Everyone laughed, but at what price?
Attention Seeking Behavior
I craved attention. I wanted to be noticed and liked, and the easiest way to achieve that was by targeting those I perceived as vulnerable. One of my favorite targets was a former beauty queen whose downward spiral into alcoholism became fodder for gossip. I gleefully spread rumors about her escapades, relishing the attention it brought me. Did you hear that she contracted crabs? I’d boast, relaying hearsay from the cleaning staff. She didn’t deserve this ridicule; she needed help. Instead, I used her struggles to divert attention to myself.
“You always went after people you believed might outshine you,” my best friend remarked. This included a student who wore a pink bunny suit and a guy known as “Punk Rock Charlie,” who had a crush on me. I would stage elaborate acts to avoid him, garnering laughter from my peers. Why? Because it made me the center of attention.
The Consequences of My Actions
When my peers laughed, it was never directed at me. I transformed from the outcast of high school into a character reminiscent of the mean girl from Cruel Intentions. Yet, the insecurities from my past haunted me. By targeting someone else, I believed I could shield myself from scrutiny. If I ridiculed the beauty queen for her promiscuity, no one would notice my own questionable choices. I could mock the kid who pretended to be a vampire, diverting attention from my escapades.
One incident that stands out is when a shy freshman entered our dorm, hoping to find acceptance. He mistakenly bragged about his wealth, and I took it upon myself to lead the pack in humiliating him. For an hour, I manipulated him into revealing more lies while my friends cackled. It took him far too long to realize he was being made fun of before he left, never to return. I could have chosen to show him kindness and guide him toward genuine friendships, but I opted for cheap laughs instead.
Ultimately, this behavior stemmed from my self-loathing; I feared being judged, so I used my sharp tongue and loyal friends to shift attention away from my flaws. I could have supported that beauty queen, and I could have befriended Punk Rock Charlie. Instead, I succumbed to my insecurities, failing to make the better choice.
To all my former classmates, I hope you can forgive me. I have changed, and I’m genuinely sorry for my past actions. While I may not recall the fun moments we shared, the memories of my cruelty linger. I regret the pain I caused.
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Summary
The author reflects on her past as a mean girl in college, acknowledging her cruelty and the pain she inflicted on others for the sake of attention. She recognizes her behavior stemmed from her insecurities and expresses remorse for her actions, extending an apology to those she hurt.