I see myself as a resilient individual—someone who stands firm and refuses to be pushed around. My upbringing, marked by adversity, forced me to develop a tough exterior early on. Growing up in a volatile environment, I quickly learned to put on a brave face. I locked away my vulnerable self, “little Jamie,” in a metaphorical cage, where she remained hidden for years. For three decades, I concealed myself behind this invisible barrier. However, following my mother’s passing in the summer of 2020, the door to my past swung open, revealing long-buried emotions and memories. That protective cage transformed into a confining prison.
I found myself losing touch with my identity and sanity.
Reflecting on a Tumultuous Childhood
Before delving deeper into the present, it’s essential to highlight my challenging childhood, which was indeed tumultuous. I lost my grandfather when I was five and my father at twelve. Shortly after his death, my mother fell into a deep depression, exacerbated by alcoholism, ultimately leading to her death. My formative years were steeped in sorrow and trauma; pain was the backdrop of my upbringing. There was also abuse—my mother often yelled, belittled, and insulted me. While it was painful, I didn’t dwell on it at the time, as I had developed a thick skin to protect “little Jamie” from the chaos of my surroundings. That was, until June, when I began experiencing intense flashbacks resembling PTSD.
I reached out to my psychiatrist as soon as these flashbacks began. I asked for assistance and urged him to adjust my medication. I also increased my running, my go-to self-care activity, and sought a new therapist specializing in trauma. Together, we began to unpack the complexities of my past. When we focused on my childhood, she offered an unexpected suggestion: I needed to (re)parent my inner child. She explained that I needed to nurture and support “little Jamie” just as I would my own children.
“Reparenting can assist individuals in repairing attachments and cultivating healthier relationships,” explains Rachel O’Neill, a licensed counselor and therapist at Talkspace. “It helps recognize and mend dysfunctional behaviors common among abuse survivors.” It also encourages healing.
Ladan Nikravan Hayes from Talkspace elaborates that reparenting is founded on the idea that many psychological challenges arise from unmet childhood needs. Children who do not feel secure and unconditionally loved may struggle to navigate adult relationships and life more generally.
Embracing the Process of Reparenting
Honestly, I was skeptical at first. When my therapist suggested I visualize “little Jamie” on my lap—holding and comforting her as I would my own kids—I chuckled. It felt absurd, like something from a self-help book I couldn’t take seriously. But after months of resistance, I decided to give it a try. I started speaking to myself the way I would to my daughter, offering reassurances like “It’s okay. You’re safe. It’s not your fault. Everyone makes mistakes.” I learned to sit with my feelings of sadness and anxiety rather than fleeing from them.
I allowed “little Jamie” to express her emotions, wiping her tears with tissues or my sleeves. I also challenged the negative thoughts that plagued me, the ones that whispered I wasn’t enough—whether as a mother, partner, or employee. My method? I simply asked myself one question: Prove it. If I’m a bad mom, then prove it. If I’m a bad employee, then prove it. This shift in perspective allowed me to view my life differently, leading me to affirm, “You are enough.”
I love myself unconditionally, just as I do my two young children.
The Ongoing Journey
Is this journey easy? Absolutely not. Battling negativity is a constant struggle, especially as someone managing depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. It’s often uncomfortable, and I don’t always believe the affirmations I give myself. However, I continue to voice them. I hold myself—both literally and figuratively. “Little Jamie” remains on my lap, and I will keep her there until she feels loved. Reparenting isn’t about achieving perfect parenting or “unparenting”; it’s about being nurtured. It’s about feeling safe, secure, cared for, and truly loved.
Further Reading
If you’re interested in exploring related topics, check out other insightful articles like this one about emotional well-being and healing. For those seeking guidance on home insemination, Make a Mom offers valuable resources, and you can also explore CCRM IVF’s blog for comprehensive information.
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In summary, learning to nurture my inner self has been a transformative journey, enabling me to confront my past and embrace my present. Reparenting my inner child has not only helped me heal emotional wounds but has also enriched my relationships with my own children, allowing me to offer them the love and support I craved.