Years ago, I developed an unexpected crush on a female friend while being married to a man, leading me to believe I was entirely heterosexual. This newfound attraction was incredibly confusing, and I tried to rationalize it away. I told myself her intellect was simply admirable, or perhaps I was just projecting feelings onto her because she had supported me during challenging times. I even considered whether it was just a mid-life crisis. Remarkably, none of these rationalizations acknowledged the truth about my sexuality.
As I worked on a sex scene for a novel inspired by my secret crush, I realized my exposure to lesbian intimacy was limited to my own awkward fantasies. Seeking authenticity in my writing, I began looking for examples online, starting with a search on YouTube. In a moment of irony, I was sitting in my car at my daughter’s pre-kindergarten when I typed in “girls kissing.”
Eventually, I stumbled upon the film Blue Is the Warmest Color, which featured a gripping sex scene that opened my eyes. I was no longer merely researching for my book; I was experiencing a profound awakening. But I still wasn’t ready to accept my queerness.
Then I decided to explore actual porn, experimenting with different genres and combinations. I was surprised to find that heterosexual porn disgusted me, while lesbian content captivated me in ways I couldn’t articulate. It was more than just physical attraction; it was a revelation that made me furious at myself for not realizing sooner that this was an option for me.
Experiencing this awakening was an emotional upheaval, far exceeding mere physical desires. I attended Pride events with tears in my eyes, feeling a connection to the community while remaining silent about my own identity.
Two years ago, I started dating a nonbinary person named Jamie, which opened yet another door I hadn’t considered before. The relationship helped me understand the difference between the thrill of being desired and genuine desire. For the first time, I felt a desire that originated within me, flowing outward, rather than simply being a reflection of someone else’s attraction.
While I might have eventually discovered my sexuality without porn, it expedited the process and provided clarity without the need for sexual encounters. I recognize the complexities of the porn industry, including its potential issues of exploitation, but for me, it served as a valuable tool in uncovering my true self.
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Summary
This piece reflects on the author’s journey to self-discovery regarding their sexuality, highlighting the role that porn played in facilitating that understanding. Through various experiences, including a crush on a female friend and a relationship with a nonbinary partner, the author navigates the complexities of sexual identity and the impacts of societal norms.