When my mother passed away in June 2020, I believed I had overcome the hardest part of my life. She struggled with mental instability, poor health, and her battle with alcoholism left her neglectful. I had to fend for myself from as young as 12, both emotionally and physically. Additionally, she was harsh—often cruel. My mother’s words, labeling me as “stupid” and “worthless,” still echo in my mind, and the term “mistake” stings to this day.
These memories are indelible. Yet, after her death, a flood of other recollections emerged, filled with anguish, sorrow, and trauma. When these memories surfaced, I was unprepared, overwhelmed by a tide of lost promises and painful recollections.
Initially, the process was gradual, almost innocuous. A long-buried memory here, a wave of anxiety there. But I brushed it off. At 36, childhood memories often resurface—especially while parenting my own young children. I grapple with anxiety daily, often amplifying minor issues into major concerns. However, these resurfacing memories felt distinct. They carried an unsettling weight, and some were almost unrecognizable, lurking in the dark corners of my mind.
What Did These Repressed Memories Entail?
One memory takes me back to childhood; I’m about my daughter’s age, perhaps seven or eight. I’m bathing behind a curtain adorned with teddy bears when I notice a faint red light flickering outside the bathroom door. When I peek out, I see a camera aimed at me. I laugh it off, a habit I developed to mask discomfort. Yet something feels deeply wrong, and I am filled with dread.
Another recollection places me at 15, sitting in a dimly lit office, arms crossed tightly. My mother, next to me, scoffs as a psychiatrist suggests family therapy. With a huff and a cloud of cigarette smoke, she declares, “I’m not the one with the problem. She is.” Such moments are scattered throughout my past—shards of emotional and sexual trauma that surface when I encounter certain triggers: sensations, tastes, sounds, and smells.
I now recognize that I live with PTSD, characterized by the sudden emergence of unwanted, distressing memories—many of which lay buried for years. According to a Healthline article, “Significant events in life tend to linger in your memory. Some might spark happiness, while others evoke less pleasant emotions. Repressed memories are those you unconsciously forget, often tied to trauma or distressing events.” This rings true for me.
Each time a repressed memory arises, I find myself engulfed by its intensity. One moment, I’m playing with my kids, and the next, I’m transported back to my childhood, witnessing myself being chastised and hurt. I can almost smell the worn leather of my father’s belt. Unlike ordinary memories, these flashbacks feel hyper-real; they are visceral and tangible.
Managing Repressed Memories and PTSD
Fortunately, I’ve learned to manage these repressed memories and PTSD symptoms through therapy, mindfulness, and medication. I take antidepressants and antipsychotics to help stabilize my mental state. When anxiety spikes, I use medications like Xanax to regain control. I’ve also developed a variety of self-care strategies: running, hiking, biking, journaling, dancing, drawing, listening to music, and confiding in friends.
Even as these memories continue to emerge and I delve deeper into my past, having a plan in place helps me navigate the moments when they threaten to overwhelm me.
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Summary
The journey of confronting repressed memories can be overwhelming, especially after the loss of a parent. Through therapy, medication, and self-care, individuals can learn to manage these resurfacing traumas and navigate the complexities of their past.