Updated: Feb. 12, 2021
Originally Published: Feb. 12, 2021
“Is everything alright?” The worried expression on my friend Lisa’s face almost made me chuckle. I was showing her around our new house and had just opened the door to my husband Tom’s bedroom. With its vibrant sports memorabilia and sci-fi posters, you’d think it belonged to a teenage boy.
In stark contrast, my room, located further down the hall, has a vintage Hollywood vibe, complete with an ornate vanity, twinkling fairy lights, and a collection of decorative candles that could rival those in a church.
This year marks thirteen years of marriage for Tom and me. We have two wonderful kids and share similar interests in humor, food, and movies. Our relationship is strong and we’re well-matched in nearly every aspect, except for one crucial area: sleep.
Tom prefers to fall asleep with the TV on, sometimes leaving it running all night. He also has a beautiful fish tank in his bedroom that, while visually appealing, sounds like a constant waterfall. I can’t handle the sound of running water without needing to use the restroom. Plus, he snores—loudly. With the TV blaring, the fish tank gurgling, and his thunderous snores, I might as well be trying to nap in a bustling city square.
On my end, I’m not exactly easy to sleep next to either. A lifelong insomniac, I crave absolute silence and complete darkness to catch some Z’s. I’ve set up my bedroom as a soundproof fortress with blackout curtains and a white noise machine, all in a bid to combat my sleep struggles.
Despite our differences, Tom and I enjoy each other’s company and find joy in our marriage. However, when it’s time to sleep, we go our separate ways. It’s reminiscent of that moment at a bar when they announce, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
Is It Okay to Sleep Apart?
While research on this topic is limited, two studies suggest that sleeping separately can be advantageous. According to a 2005 report by the National Sleep Foundation, around 23% of couples choose to sleep in separate beds. A 2017 survey indicated this number has dropped to 14%. Furthermore, a 2013 study from the University of California, Berkeley, found that couples experience more frequent and intense arguments after a bad night’s sleep.
I consulted with Jessica Taylor, a licensed clinical social worker in New York who focuses on couple and family therapy. I asked her whether sleeping apart is a sign of deeper issues.
“It really depends,” she said. “Are you still maintaining physical contact, affection, and intimacy in other ways? Did you both agree on this arrangement? Can you communicate openly to evaluate its effectiveness, or is it part of a larger avoidance pattern? If this decision has been mutually accepted and is working for you, it can be perfectly fine.”
The key takeaway seems to be mutual comfort and agreement. Jessica noted that issues can arise when the arrangement isn’t deliberate. “If it’s not been discussed, or if one partner is unhappy with it, that could be problematic,” she explained. “Another warning sign is if this separation is a result of a conflict. If the intention behind sleeping apart is to create distance without other avenues for connection, that can erode intimacy.”
Everyone Must Be on the Same Page
As with any relationship, communication is crucial. What happens if one partner is eager for their own sleep space while the other isn’t? Jessica emphasized the importance of truly listening to each other’s concerns and feelings to find a solution that satisfies both parties. She recommended practicing active listening—engaging with curiosity rather than trying to persuade your partner.
“When it’s avoidance,” Jessica cautioned, “or if it hints at a deeper issue like impending divorce, or if parents are sleeping with children indefinitely, that warrants attention.”
For us, my only slight concern is how our kids perceive it. I think back to my own parents and their gradual shift to separate bedrooms. Initially, they shared a large bed, then transitioned to two twin beds pushed together, followed by separate beds, which eventually led to separate rooms. They’ve been happily married for over fifty years, and when I think of them, I focus on their love and compatibility rather than where they sleep.
Ideally, our children will come to understand that their parents love each other and love them. So, who cares where we catch our REM sleep? We each have our own comfort zones in the same house, allowing us to rest without resentment, and the mornings unfold like any typical loving family—with a little help from coffee.
Ultimately, this arrangement works for us. While we are committed to nurturing our relationship, we also recognize the vital role of sleep in our well-being. Quality rest allows our bodies to heal, helps prevent health issues, and is crucial for maintaining a positive mood.
This article was originally published on Feb. 12, 2021. You can also explore more about sleep and relationships in this insightful post.
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Summary:
Tom and I have been happily married for thirteen years, but our sleep habits are vastly different. While he thrives on noise and light, I need complete darkness and silence. Despite this, we’ve found that sleeping separately allows us to prioritize our individual sleep needs while maintaining a strong and loving relationship. Open communication and mutual agreement are essential for making this arrangement work.