Many people rave about the incredible transformations that occur in your 40s. You cultivate this fearless, carefree attitude, boost your confidence, and shed unnecessary worries. Sounds great, right? At least, that’s what we hear.
However, my experience in my 40s hasn’t exactly mirrored that blissful narrative. Instead, it has been a mix of confusion, emotions, and some downright bizarre moments. Yet, amidst all these changes, the most remarkable one has surfaced recently. At 43, I’ve finally started to give myself a break and let go of self-loathing.
Now, that might seem minor—something that should have happened long ago (and it’s true)—but for me, it’s been monumental.
A few months back, I faced a humbling moment. I won’t delve into specifics because, honestly, they’re not crucial. Let’s just say, it was one of those situations you think only happens to “other people.” You assume you’re either too lucky, prepared, or informed for such things to impact you. But then it happens, and you find yourself thinking, “Oh my goodness.”
For several days, I fell into my usual pattern of self-criticism, shame, and humiliation. I cried and labeled myself a complete failure. Then, something shifted. I was exhausted from the constant chastising. I was done expecting more from myself than I would from others. I realized that being lucky, prepared, or informed doesn’t exempt anyone from facing tough, human experiences. ENOUGH.
Perhaps the pandemic has given me a new perspective on what truly matters. Therapy and meditation have likely played a role, too. Maybe it’s just the stark reality that life is fragile and fleeting, which is undeniably true. And because life is so precious and short, I’ve found there’s no time to feel bad about myself any longer.
People often discuss that carefree attitude that supposedly arrives in your 40s, but I never fully grasped it until now. It took me reaching 43 to understand that a genuine IDGAF attitude isn’t merely about not worrying over wrinkles or gray hair. It’s about being fed up with self-deprecation. You recognize your humanity, just like everyone else.
Since this revelation, I’ve noticed a subtle yet profound shift. I’ve been laughing at myself more often—and just laughing in general. I don’t take other people’s actions as personally as I used to. When I make mistakes, I strive to rectify them and then move on.
This change is monumental for me. While many people keep a mental tally of wrongs done to them, I’ve kept one for my own missteps. I may not recall what I had for breakfast yesterday, but I can recount every time I embarrassed myself, hurt someone, or made a regrettable choice over the past 40+ years. It’s true; I would spend sleepless nights, physically ill, reliving my blunders—whether it was something foolish I did at 12 or an inconsiderate comment I made a few years back. Every mistake felt like another mark on my “list of reasons why I’m inadequate.”
Tearing up that list has been the most significant and positive change of my 40s. It’s such a relief to give myself some grace. Allowing myself to be human has been liberating.
Of course, this isn’t a license to be an entitled jerk. On the contrary, it has given me the freedom to acknowledge my mistakes without defensiveness, allowing for genuine growth. We’re all learning, after all. Expecting myself to be mistake-free is absurd. Now, instead of viewing mistakes as reflections of my worth, I see them for what they are—just mistakes. Without the weight of shame dragging me down, I have the mental and emotional bandwidth to move forward. It’s incredibly challenging to invest the emotional energy required to learn and grow when you’re drowning in shame and self-hatred.
Although I still navigate confusion, fear, and uncertainty in my 40s, learning to be kinder to myself—to forgive and love myself more at 43—has undeniably made this decade my best yet.
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Summary:
In my 40s, I’ve faced various emotional ups and downs, but the most significant change has been learning to forgive myself and embrace my humanity. Rather than dwelling on past mistakes, I’ve found liberation in cutting myself some slack, which has transformed my experience during this decade. Understanding that life is short and recognizing my own imperfections has allowed me to progress and enjoy life more fully.