Feb. 5, 2021
I found myself in a club that no one wishes to join on February 3, 2018, when my partner passed away. I became a young widow, a sole parent, and someone who became all too familiar with loss in ways I never envisioned. In the years that followed, I learned about grief, its twists and turns, and how it transforms over time, revealing new dimensions each year.
The First Year
The first year of being a widow was understandably focused on the “firsts.” First anniversaries without my partner, first birthdays without the father of my children, first Father’s Day, first Thanksgiving, first everything. Each day felt like a first, filled with memories of where I was precisely one year ago. I spent every day attempting, and often failing, to anchor myself in this new, grim reality where my partner had left us too soon and too tragically.
Year Two
Year two hit harder, with the harsh realization that completing year one didn’t grant me a reward. It was a time for confronting the fact that those painful firsts were followed by seconds, and ultimately, a never-ending series of “afters.” Year two was about accepting that this loss is permanent; there is no turning back.
Finding My Footing in Year Three
By year three, I started to find my footing and look up. It became a period of taking a breath and acknowledging that despite the sorrow and heartache of the previous years, I was still standing. The ground beneath me began to feel a little more stable. While it wasn’t completely solid — I’m still unsure if it ever will be — it felt less precarious. In year three, I learned that I was stronger than I had ever realized, allowing myself to lift my gaze from the floor, confident that I could hold myself up.
Entering Year Four
Now, as I enter my fourth year as a widow during this pandemic, I can already sense that year four will be filled with guilt. The guilt of embarking on new relationships, creating joyful memories with my children that sometimes go unaccompanied by the phrase “I wish Daddy was here, too.” The guilt that arises from feeling okay most days, no longer overwhelmed by memories that once felt unbearable. The guilt of not just surviving, but beginning to move forward.
As the days approached February 3, memories of the past intertwined with my present. I replayed my partner’s final moments in my mind: the doctor’s call on the 23rd, the grim MRI results on the 24th, telling our children their dad was dying on the 25th, and witnessing him arrive at hospice, unconscious, on the 26th. I sat with him as he took his last breath on the 3rd.
Yet, this year, those memories don’t bring me to my knees. They remain vivid, but their sharpness has dulled. While they still bring tears to my eyes, they no longer overwhelm me. Intellectually, I recognize my partner would want my children and me to thrive. However, grief isn’t just about what we know in our minds; it’s about what we feel. And right now, I feel guilt.
The Weight of Guilt
Guilt. Because if those memories no longer crush me, what remains? Just the faint echo of a memory? Grief that isn’t all-consuming? That doesn’t seem sufficient.
I never anticipated that as the darker days of grief faded, I would experience another loss. I didn’t realize that moving beyond those heavy days would feel like losing yet another piece of him — perhaps the last piece. Herein lies the core of my guilt: it feels as if I’m leaving him behind by moving past the darkest parts of grief.
Yet, I remind myself that progressing doesn’t mean abandoning him. Moving forward is not the same as moving on or away. Building a life where my children and I are thriving is a profound tribute to his memory and legacy that tears alone cannot express.
So, while year four may be marked by guilt, it can also be a celebration of love — the love that remains, regardless of how grief manifests on any given day.
Resources for Further Reading
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Probable Search Queries:
- How to cope with grief after losing a partner?
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- Navigating new relationships after loss.
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Summary
In the fourth year of widowhood, the author reflects on the evolving nature of grief, transitioning from overwhelming sorrow to guilt over new beginnings and memories forged without her partner. This stage emphasizes the importance of moving forward while honoring the love and legacy of the lost loved one.