When I reminisce about my teenage years, I can’t help but feel a pang of anxiety at the thought of my parents revealing that they were once married to other people before tying the knot with each other. Thankfully, that information never came my way directly. My parents celebrated over 40 years of marriage and still share that sweet gesture of holding hands. However, I find myself in the position of needing to share a similar truth with my own two kids to prevent it from becoming an unnecessary family secret.
I entered my first marriage at the age of 29, but it only lasted three years. My current husband, Jake, had an even shorter first marriage. Neither of us had children from those previous unions, and while our splits were relatively amicable, it felt like the end of the world at the time. I remember people saying, “Just be thankful you didn’t have kids,” which only served to frustrate me—if you ever find yourself in a position to comfort someone going through divorce, hold off on that line for a while.
While our friends were busy getting married and starting families, we were navigating mediation and worrying over real estate decisions that suddenly felt far less romantic without a supportive partner to help shoulder the burden. I jokingly thought my dating profile might read SWD (single with dog), as my loyal companion, Max, was my only confidant during those lonely days. With Max by my side, I wasn’t alone, but the separation anxiety was real, and there was no quick fix for that.
At 32, I worried about the awkwardness of revealing my divorce to potential dates. Would they assume my house was filled with cats and that I had a TV permanently tuned to home shopping? I pondered what family, friends, and even strangers at the DMV would think when I had to change the name on my driver’s license. Back in 2007, it felt like divorce was a taboo topic, and I was convinced I was the only one in my circle going through it.
Fast forward four years, and I found myself remarried with two children, gradually shaking off those superficial worries that once plagued me. However, a new concern has emerged—how to explain to my kids that both Daddy and I were married before. With them now aged 3 and 5, I know this conversation is inevitable, especially if they stumble upon old wedding photos or hear a reference from someone in the family.
Jake sees it as a non-issue, but I feel a wave of panic just thinking about it. My daughter, Lily, has already asked about divorce, and I’ve done my best to explain it in a way that a 5-year-old can grasp: “Sometimes, two people decide not to stay married for various reasons—maybe they don’t get along, or something hurtful happens. But that will never happen to Mom and Dad,” I reassure her. She often shares stories of her imaginary husband, Mr. Bean, whom she has divorced multiple times for being “mean,” but I wonder if she truly understands the concept.
I wrestle with whether to casually mention that, while Daddy and I plan to be together forever, I did experience a divorce, and so did he. Should I wait until she’s older for a more serious conversation? Or should I approach it matter-of-factly now, ensuring it never feels like a shocking revelation? How do I explain that although my past marriage was a painful experience, it ultimately led me to the happiness I have today with her and her brother?
Ultimately, I guess the answer lies in just being honest. It’s a part of my story, and perhaps it’s one worth sharing.
If you’re interested in more parenting insights, you might want to check out this post on navigating sensitive topics with children. Additionally, if you’re considering family planning options, reputable retailers like Make a Mom offer at-home insemination kits that could be useful. For further reading on fertility and pregnancy, CDC’s resource is a great place to start.
Summary:
The author reflects on the challenge of discussing past marriages with her children while navigating personal experiences of divorce. By sharing her own journey, she hopes to approach the conversation with honesty and openness, ensuring her kids feel comfortable with their family’s history.
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