Living with depression has often made me feel like I’m falling short as a friend, sister, daughter, and wife. There have been times when I’ve isolated myself from those I love, retreating to the bathroom—why is it always the bathroom?—to hide behind locked doors. I curl up on the cold floor, enveloped in darkness and surrounded by the remnants of my day-to-day life. I pull away from everything and everyone, but by the time I surface, the damage has been done: harsh words have been spoken and tears have been shed. Yet, amidst this struggle, I can pinpoint one aspect of my life that has been positively impacted by my depression: my role as a mother.
Parenting Through the Darkness
Let’s be clear: parenting during a depressive episode is no easy feat. It can feel almost impossible. I find myself forcing smiles while trying to maintain a semblance of calm. The smallest triggers—like my daughter’s tantrums or her refusal to wear her diaper—can send me spiraling into frustration and rage. Recently, she has taken to throwing her food and swatting my hand when I intervene. It takes every ounce of strength to transform that anger into compassion, and instead, I often find myself in tears.
Even during those quieter moments—strolling to the park, snuggled on the couch watching cartoons—I grapple with my thoughts. The silence amplifies my racing mind, distorting the little things into overwhelming decisions. I feel numb and disconnected, even with my daughter so close, her head resting in my lap.
Finding Joy in Better Days
However, these depressive episodes aren’t my everyday reality. On better days, I’m loving and present. I relish outings to the playground, blowing bubbles, and engaging in creative play. I embrace my quirks—like coloring dinosaurs purple and the sky green—because I can. These are the days when I embody the selfless, humorous, and klutzy mom I aspire to be.
Lessons in Empathy
So how does depression contribute to my growth as a mom? My struggles teach my daughter valuable lessons. Through my mistakes—my short temper and emotional outbursts—she learns about accountability and the importance of an apology. She’s discovering that it’s acceptable to ask for help and to express emotions, including tears.
My depression exposes her to realities I wish she didn’t have to see, but instead of wallowing in guilt, I choose to use this experience as a teaching moment. I explain that sometimes mommy isn’t okay, and that her behavior isn’t to blame for my feelings. I’m learning to let her, and others, into my world by leaving the bathroom door ajar and turning on the lights.
Embracing My Journey
I’ve come to understand that apologizing for my actions is not the same as apologizing for my condition. Living with depression has reshaped my life in ways I never anticipated, but it hasn’t stopped me from living fully. So, to my relentless depression, while you continue to complicate my life and motherhood, I recognize that you’re also shaping me into a better parent, ultimately helping my daughter become a more empathetic human being.
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In summary, while depression presents its challenges, it has also enhanced my parenting journey, teaching my child important lessons in empathy and understanding.
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