After experiencing my first pregnancy loss, an ectopic pregnancy that necessitated emergency surgery, I took two weeks off work to physically recuperate and grieve privately. During this time, I reached out to my company’s HR department to ask about bereavement leave, hoping to avoid depleting my sick days and vacation time. To my disbelief, the HR representative told me, “Well, bereavement leave is only for, like, real people.”
I was left speechless and then infuriated. Already grappling with the profound sorrow over a child I never had the chance to meet, this woman—who I had never encountered—uttered a statement that completely dismissed the grief I was trying to process.
Sadly, my experience is far from unique. After the stillbirth of her daughter, Mia, on December 1, a teacher named Sarah found herself denied paid family leave by her employer, even after enduring 48 hours of labor and significant blood loss. “It felt as though my child never existed, and that what happened to both of us didn’t matter,” Sarah shared.
If policies for “family leave” only apply to parents who are bringing home a living child, and “bereavement leave” only acknowledges those mourning individuals who lived outside the womb, then it’s evident that we need specific paid leave for stillbirths, miscarriages, and other types of pregnancy loss. Such events are monumental—not just physically and emotionally, but financially too—and denying people the leave they deserve is unjust.
Statistics show that one in four pregnancies ends in loss, which means that in a workplace with hundreds of employees, at least one woman could be experiencing this type of loss at any given moment. For many, these losses involve serious medical complications. Personally, I had two ectopic pregnancies, one requiring surgery and the other needing a cancer treatment drug. I also endured a “missed miscarriage,” where the embryo had passed without my knowledge, leading to weeks of bleeding. Furthermore, I lost my son, Leo, in the second trimester, which involved yet another surgery and immense heartache.
Even when pregnancy loss doesn’t lead to severe medical issues, the emotional toll can be staggering. Research shows that 29% of women who have experienced a miscarriage early on or an ectopic pregnancy suffer from post-traumatic stress a month after their loss. Additionally, many face significant anxiety and depression.
My co-authors and I wrote “All the Love: Healing Your Heart and Finding Meaning After Pregnancy Loss” to delve into the devastation of pregnancy loss. For me, it was a way to understand my own experiences. Losing a child means losing the dream of motherhood and the future that comes with it, along with a sense of innocence and control. These losses are intensified by society’s failures to acknowledge grief—especially that surrounding pregnancy loss.
David Kessler, a noted author on grief, has stated, “We are a grief-illiterate society.” We often try to rush people through their pain, leading to comments like, “Everything happens for a reason!” or “Just try again!” Such platitudes fail to recognize the depth of the griever’s sadness. It’s no surprise that many women describe pregnancy loss as isolating, even though countless others have gone through it. When our feelings are invalidated—by insensitive HR representatives or callous employers—our grief is compounded, making it even harder to cope.
After each of my losses, no one informed me that I was entitled to any type of leave. Consequently, when I ran out of sick days and vacation time, I returned to work, often still physically recovering and emotionally drained. I invested considerable energy into pretending I was okay because that seemed expected. On many days, I found myself retreating to my car to nap during lunch or even curling up under my desk, an option that not everyone has. What about women who can’t take unpaid time off? What about those in physically demanding jobs?
While some women may find comfort in returning to the predictability of work after a loss, many are simply not ready. As one mother poignantly expressed, the thought of returning to work after losing her child made her feel physically ill. Yet, for most, returning is a necessity. As highlighted in “Miscarriage at Work,” U.S. workplaces have yet to acknowledge that miscarriage is a significant loss that requires time to grieve.
Change will only happen when enough individuals advocate for it. In the U.S., our focus lies heavily on productivity and profit. However, a woman at her desk while grappling with emotional and physical turmoil may appear productive, but her health should be prioritized. Ultimately, she will be a more effective employee once given the time to heal.
Countries like Korea provide maternity leave for miscarriage or stillbirth, based on the duration of the pregnancy. This kind of policy is sorely needed here. The absence of such support raises questions about our national values.
We don’t have to label it as “family leave” or “bereavement leave” if those terms are too narrowly defined. This leave could have its own designation, such as Pregnancy Loss Leave (PLL) or Paid Pregnancy Loss Leave (PPLL). Corporate America loves acronyms, after all. Regardless of the name, it should be accessible, and ideally, include both the woman and her partner, as pregnancy loss impacts both individuals. Current policies suggest otherwise, perpetuating the idea that people should endure their pain in silence.
We must strive for improvement—because women’s health is paramount, every baby is significant, and grief deserves acknowledgment. The policies of a society reflect its values. If we hope to foster empathy, we must begin with how we treat those who are grieving. Imagine a world where we collectively support those in mourning, where we say, “Take your time. Your pain deserves all the space it needs.”
Search Queries:
- What is Pregnancy Loss Leave?
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- Why is bereavement leave important for pregnancy loss?
- Emotional impact of miscarriage and how to seek help.
Summary:
The article discusses the inadequacies of current workplace policies regarding pregnancy loss, highlighting personal accounts of women who faced insensitivity and denial of leave during their grieving process. It argues for the establishment of specific paid leave for pregnancy loss, advocating for recognition of the emotional and physical toll such events take on parents. The piece calls for societal change to better support grieving individuals and emphasizes the importance of acknowledging the significance of each loss.