I had a little meltdown the other day. My son thought it would be smart to leave a small plate of steak in his room for three days. Yes, steak. At room temperature. Just sitting there.
I had warned him not to take it upstairs, knowing full well that it would likely attract maggots. Plus, if he had stored it in the fridge, I could have enjoyed some delicious leftovers.
Guess what? I was right.
That incident was just the tip of the iceberg, and it sparked a larger rant about how he’s been neglecting his chores. I’m fed up with reminding him that the trash is overflowing, only for him to delicately place his fruit cup container on top of the heap, balancing it precariously.
After venting, I followed up with my usual, “I’m sorry I raised my voice, but I need you to be more responsible and please, never leave steak in your room again. And I love you a lot.”
Growing up, when my dad was angry, he would give us the silent treatment after yelling. He could stay mad for days, and if you messed up—like getting poor grades—he’d hold it against you. During my junior year of high school, my standardized test scores were dismal. I never tested well, and honestly, I didn’t care much, so I filled in some bubbles randomly. My dad was furious and told me, “How does it feel to be in the bottom third of your class?” He went on to say I’d never get into college and might as well abandon that dream.
One thing I want to instill in my children is this: Just because I’m angry, sad, or disappointed, I will never throw my hands up and give up on them. Who would want to live under that kind of scrutiny?
I want them to grow up understanding healthy relationships, including making mistakes and having disagreements. I want them to witness me getting upset and then returning to normalcy. I never want them to feel afraid of approaching me about anything, fearing that I might abandon them.
I’ve caught all my teens doing things they shouldn’t.
My son flipped his car while speeding, still under restrictions, with kids in the vehicle.
There have been moments when I was convinced he wouldn’t pass his classes and would be left behind.
My youngest even took a picture of his teacher during a Zoom class and sent it to all his friends on Snapchat.
They frustrate me. They let me down. They make choices I wish they wouldn’t.
But if I were to give up on them, stop believing they could turn their lives around after making mistakes, where would that leave them?
When a child perceives that their parent doesn’t believe in them, they start to lose their sense of self-worth. If they know their parents won’t stand by them through the rough patches, who will they turn to?
I need my kids to understand that even when I’m furious—whether it’s about something minor like letting meat rot in their room or a bigger issue like smoking pot during a sleepover—they still have my love and support, and I’m not going anywhere.
I can demonstrate this by providing appropriate consequences and reminding them that I expect more. And this can be done without making them feel they need to be perfect or risk damaging my view of them. That only leads to them hiding things and doubting themselves.
It’s perfectly fine to argue and get upset, then reconcile and show love for each other. I want them to see that this is how healthy relationships function—things aren’t always perfect, but it’s possible to come back together and maintain love and hope.
If you’re interested in learning more about topics related to family and parenting, check out this blog post or this excellent resource from Kindbody.
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- How to maintain a healthy parent-teen relationship
- Coping with teenage rebellion
- Consequences for teenage mistakes
- How to communicate with teens effectively
- Supporting teens through difficult times
In summary, it’s essential to show unconditional love and support to teens, even in the face of disappointment or anger. Healthy relationships are built on the ability to navigate conflicts while maintaining open communication and trust.