It’s a familiar scenario in my household—my two children glued to their iPads in those precious moments before school, trying to squeeze in a few last bits of screen time before they must shift gears. Neither has made their bed, neither has packed their school bag, and my daughter’s hair resembles a tangled mess. And honestly, it frustrates me.
I’m irritated that their iPad obsession means they’re not ready on time, but more so, I’m taken aback by my daughter’s complete indifference towards her hair. She managed to get dressed and brush her teeth, so why skip brushing her hair?
When I was younger, I’d sneak into my mom’s room after school to play with her makeup without her knowing. With just a compact, blush, and some blue eyeshadow, I’d smear it all over my little face, reveling in the joy of pretending to be grown-up. As soon as I was old enough, I invested in my own makeup kit, along with a blow dryer and hair products, and I never left the house without being “put together.” For years, I was preoccupied with how others perceived me.
Now, fast forward three decades, and I have a daughter who couldn’t care less about her appearance. She isn’t the least bit concerned about how she looks to others and has no interest in my makeup or styling tools. I not only admire this trait in her, but I often wish I could embody that same carefree attitude. Consequently, I support her choices in clothing, footwear, and accessories. She can wear what brings her joy, and I genuinely believe in her bodily autonomy. She should have the freedom to make choices about her body without feeling pressured by me.
Yet, there she sits with a hairdo that resembles a bird’s nest, and I can’t just remain silent. Why has she resisted brushing her hair for days on end, creating knots that seem to multiply? I find it perplexing. When her hair reaches this point, where detangling will be tedious and potentially painful, I feel compelled to intervene, despite my desire to respect her autonomy.
I’ve tried various methods to encourage her to brush her hair each morning to avoid such situations. I’ve nagged, offered gentle reminders, and even purchased a wide array of hairbrushes—wet brushes, tangle brushes—you name it. I might have even kept the children’s hairbrush industry afloat! Yet, her indifference remains, and the tangled mess grows, forcing me to step in and brush it out against my wishes for her autonomy.
The truth is, those knots drive me crazy, and my reaction fills me with guilt. I worry that if I push her too hard, I might instill insecurities or, worse, undermine her ability to be herself without worrying about others’ opinions. As she approaches her teenage years, a time when self-consciousness often thrives, do I really want to sow seeds of anxiety about her appearance? I want her to embrace her unique style, whatever that may be.
But at the same time, I want her to prioritize self-care, which includes basic tasks like wearing clean clothes and, yes, brushing her hair. Is it too much to expect her to care for herself in this way? Perhaps a little gentle prodding is okay? Maybe I’m not stifling her ability to be her authentic self.
It feels like a tightrope walk, and I’m still figuring out the right balance. What truly bothers me isn’t just her choice about her hair; it’s the complete lack of concern. She’s not opting for a messy bun or a side part; she’s neglecting her hair altogether to grab a few more minutes with her iPad, and that drives me up the wall. I want her to care enough to make a choice—because I’m sure if she thought about it, she wouldn’t choose a tangled mess requiring a lot of effort to fix.
I may never find the perfect balance—I’ll likely always be that voice in her head reminding her to brush her hair, the one she rolls her eyes at. But I hope to also be the voice that celebrates her comfort in her own skin, which is a beautiful trait that deserves to be nurtured.
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In summary, I find myself in a constant battle between respecting my daughter’s autonomy and encouraging her to take care of herself. While I admire her carefree attitude towards appearance, I also want her to embrace basic self-care habits, like brushing her hair. Striking the right balance is challenging, but I hope to be a supportive voice in her life.