As parents, our ultimate desire is for our children to thrive and find happiness. Yet, sometimes, it feels like those aspirations conflict with one another. I want my kids to be kind, diligent, cheerful, and resilient. I wish for them to experience the fulfillment that comes from pursuing their passions and to embrace their creativity. However, if it were up to my teenager, his life would revolve around video games, binge-watching sitcoms, and hanging out with friends. His idea of joy is playing Xbox for hours on end, often with a mini-fridge stocked for late-night snacks. Activities like playing the guitar, reading young adult novels, or honing a sport’s skill don’t really interest him.
At times, I worry that his main focus is simply getting by with minimal effort and that he may not realize the joy that stems from hard work. His passions seem to boil down to laughter and casual gaming. Ironically, he admits he isn’t even particularly skilled at the games he plays—he just enjoys them.
Because I want the best for him, I often find myself questioning whether we should encourage him more. Should we set stricter limits on his gaming time, especially since it’s been his main social outlet during the pandemic? Would it be beneficial to insist he reads before bedtime or to enroll him in more sports teams? Maybe we should consider rewarding him with a new phone if he maintains good grades or commits to practicing basketball every day.
I know many parents who subscribe to this approach. As a child of the ’80s, I grew up with high expectations and a strong work ethic. Having been an athlete myself, I was constantly motivated by both internal desires and external pressures. Sometimes, I wonder if I should be pushing my son more until he discovers his true passion and finds his own motivation. But my instincts tell me otherwise.
My intuition suggests that I should allow him the freedom to be himself. I believe that society’s fixation on “finding one’s passion” often ties self-worth to productivity, making us feel compelled to continuously strive for more. My heart tells me that my seemingly “ordinary” teenager is, in fact, remarkable in the ways that truly count.
Despite his lack of standout achievements in academics, sports, or music, he excels at happiness. He is, without a doubt, one of the happiest teens I know. Both he and his younger brother frequently express, without any prompting, “I love my life.” And they genuinely mean it. His joy radiates so much that just today, he was literally jumping with excitement.
Not only does he appreciate his life, but he also shares that joy with those around him. He is empathetic and caring, often telling my partner and me that he loves us unprompted, even in front of his friends. Just last week, while discussing my work commitments, he remarked, “Wow, you really work hard, and you take care of us, and you volunteer too…wow.” To be recognized and acknowledged by your teen is a moment deserving of an award.
Reflecting on my own teenage years, I was a diligent student and dedicated athlete, often training for hours each day. I was a good kid and generally content with my life, but I never openly expressed my happiness or love for life as my son does. I had a strong relationship with my parents and appreciated their sacrifices, but I kept my feelings under wraps during my adolescence.
I see friends celebrating their kids’ achievements—like winning swim meets or excelling in math—and while I don’t resent their pride, it’s hard not to notice how different my teen’s experiences are. It makes me wonder: Have we become so conditioned to associate grades, talents, and athletic feats with success? What about the teens who are content with mediocrity? Should we encourage them to push themselves, or should we find comfort in their happiness?
Personally, I’m focusing on nurturing the spark of joy in my teen that remains untouched by societal expectations. If that means allowing him more time to laugh with friends or binge-watch shows, then so be it. This doesn’t mean we ignore responsibilities. He still needs to manage his schoolwork, engage in physical activities, and maintain his space. But if he opts not to exert extra effort to excel at something, that’s okay too.
Even though my children may appear ordinary by societal standards, they are absolutely extraordinary in the ways that matter most.
For more insights on parenting and happiness, check out this related blog post. If you’re looking for expert advice, Make A Mom offers great resources on home insemination kits, and IVF Babble is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.