In late December, I shared a brief post on my blog about a disagreement I had with my daughter regarding the importance of giving her mom some alone time. I mentioned how my partner and I dedicate three hours each week to ourselves, and I was overwhelmed by the response, especially from women who had experienced divorce or were navigating one. Many expressed that they never had the chance to enjoy time alone, realizing just how vital it is. One comment that resonated deeply was from a mother who said, “Men wonder why women don’t have time for them. It’s because women don’t have time for themselves. You can’t pour from an empty vessel.”
Let me be clear: I believe few things are more crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship than personal time, especially when you have young children. Kids are incredible—they bring joy and laughter—but they can also be draining. My partner and I recognized this early on, and it has become a fundamental aspect of our relationship.
Creating a Simple Arrangement
Creating this arrangement is quite simple. Just approach your partner and say, “I’ll take care of the kids once a week so you can have some personal time, and I’d appreciate the same in return.” Then, establish a schedule.
For us, the three-hour rule works best. My partner, Sam, takes Thursday evenings after dinner. We usually eat at 5 PM, and I handle the cleanup, chores, and get the kids to bed by around 8:30 PM. I make it clear to our children that if they have any issues during the night, they should come to me. Sam typically gets at least three hours of alone time, often more since she’s a night owl. I take Sunday afternoons from about 1 PM to 4 PM. Admittedly, it was easier before the pandemic when we could go out, but it’s still manageable with a good lock on our bedroom door.
Honoring the Agreement
This routine has served us well for years. We’ve occasionally swapped nights and afternoons or adjusted our schedules for events, but the key is to honor the agreement. Protect that time, because it’s essential. And make sure your partner gets their time too—after all, you can’t prioritize your own needs without ensuring your partner’s needs are met.
Engaging the Kids
And to the dads out there: It’s your responsibility to keep the kids engaged while giving your partner some peace. This isn’t always easy. I’ve made it a point to establish clear boundaries with our kids, reinforcing that it’s “mom’s time” and they need to respect that. Take them out for a drive, go for a hike, or put on a movie. Honestly, I enjoy my time with the kids during Sam’s evening off. Over time, they’ll learn that their mom deserves her own downtime. Remember, you can’t expect your partner to give you personal time if you’re not willing to support her in the same way. And please, no expecting favors in return, no interruptions, or messages while she’s trying to relax. Handle everything that needs doing around the house so she can fully enjoy her time away from the hustle and bustle.
Open Conversations
Most importantly, have an open conversation as a couple to establish clear rules and expectations. This is about gifting each other the invaluable present of personal time, which can do wonders for your relationship. Especially now, amidst the challenges of a pandemic, having that quiet time may feel like the most refreshing drink of water. We all need it, so now is the perfect time to make it happen.
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In summary, dedicating time for yourself and your partner is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. It not only allows for personal recharge but also strengthens the bond between partners. By communicating openly and sticking to a schedule, couples can ensure they both have the opportunity to unwind and rejuvenate.