Breastfeeding is hard. Pumping is even harder. The expectation to provide breast milk for my children has been, without a doubt, my least favorite aspect of motherhood. While I cherish the moments of nursing—when my baby gazes at me with wide eyes, her tiny hand resting on my hair—everything else surrounding it has been overwhelming. It turns out that the physical act of nursing is only a small part of breastfeeding. This reality was never made clear to me in media portrayals, my college courses, medical school, or even during my pediatrics residency. Yes, here I am, a board-certified pediatrician, sharing my frustrations about breastfeeding and its associated challenges.
I had always pictured myself as the free-spirited mom nursing a toddler well into their second year. I envisioned a soothing bedtime routine with breastfeeding at its heart. But with my first child, it was a chaotic mess from the start. The baby struggled to latch, and lactation consultants came to my rescue. They recommended syringe feeding, which involved getting her to latch onto my pinky while we dribbled milk into her mouth from a syringe. Each feeding took around 90 minutes, and we were told to do this every two hours. The only time I had for myself was a quick moment to cry, use the restroom, or pump before starting the cycle over again. They also advised against giving her a pacifier until a “healthy breastfeeding relationship” was established. That advice must come from someone who enjoys watching mothers suffer, because when you see a new mom, nursing while coping with postpartum recovery, telling her she can’t give her crying baby a pacifier is just cruel.
Finally, after three long weeks, my first baby latched. But she wasn’t gaining weight. I watched her growth plummet on the charts—from the 30th percentile down to the 1st. After bringing in dirty diapers that tested positive for blood, my pediatrician advised me to eliminate all dairy and soy from my diet. What a miserable, isolating experience that was! It turns out soy is in just about everything. Once, at a restaurant, I asked for a dairy and soy-free menu. The only options were brown rice and broccoli! If you’ve ever seen a breastfeeding mom who needs an extra 500 calories daily, only to be told she can have just that, you must truly enjoy witnessing human distress.
Despite all my efforts, she still didn’t gain weight. Eventually, my pediatrician said we had to face reality. I wouldn’t be the mom nursing a two-year-old; I barely made it two months. I cried multiple times each day, especially when I dumped the breast milk I had worked so hard to produce down the sink, opting for formula instead. The guilt was unbearable. Each 2 a.m. pumping session and the money spent on lactation consultants felt wasted. At the end of the day, my baby was a formula-fed child.
The trauma surrounding my first child’s nutrition was so intense that just the thought of going through it again caused me panic attacks. When I became pregnant again, I vowed to be gentler with myself. But, of course, latch issues resurfaced. This time, a physician had to perform a procedure to cut my baby’s tongue-tie to help with latching. It worked, and we established a good breastfeeding relationship. However, when I returned to work in a busy primary care setting during a pandemic, my supply began to dwindle. I know I could have pumped more frequently, but the logistics of fitting pumping into my schedule felt dizzying. Now, my supply barely provides enough for one or two bottles a day, and the rest is formula.
I constantly remind myself: I’m still a good mom. Even on the days I nap instead of pump, or forget to hydrate, or when her dad gives her a bottle instead of me nursing her. Regardless of the choices that led to less breast milk, I am still a good mom.
Let’s ease the pressure surrounding breastfeeding. Moms, let’s promise to support one another and not set unrealistic expectations on ourselves or our newborns right from the start. You are still a good mom.
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In summary, breastfeeding can be an exhausting journey filled with challenges that often go unspoken. Mothers should feel empowered to make choices that are best for them and their babies without guilt or shame.