Friendships can be challenging to cultivate at any stage of life, but the current climate makes it even tougher. My closest friends are those I’ve known since college, forming a tight-knit circle. I also have friends from various jobs throughout my career. Since becoming a parent, I’ve deliberately focused on a small group of friends who truly understand the nuances of being a gay parent.
With the ongoing presence of COVID-19, maintaining friendships has shifted mainly to text messages. As I strive to create a semblance of normalcy for my children and help them maintain their friendships, I find myself questioning whether it’s worth the effort to forge new connections with other parents. This dilemma weighs heavily on my mind, and I’m still figuring it out.
Making new friends can be draining, and preserving those friendships takes time. From the very beginning of parenthood, I’ve often felt a sense of isolation. When my children started daycare, I imagined I would connect with other parents during drop-off or pick-up. However, that hasn’t happened for me. There’s a part of me that feels undue pressure to form new friendships due to the isolation caused by the pandemic—and let’s face it, I’m an introvert.
An online search for “how to make friends with other parents” leads to a helpful New York Times article that offers practical advice. The top three suggestions include: “start close to home,” “make the first move in conversation,” and “join an online parenting group that suits you.” This reminds me of online dating, where the initial awkwardness eventually fades once you find your rhythm. Yet, COVID-19 complicates this process.
One parent, Mia Johnson, shared that she and her partner haven’t made any new friends since the pandemic began. “I don’t feel safe gathering anywhere,” she confessed. “Even during daycare drop-off, our child is handed to us at the door, and we’ve never set foot inside the building. This situation significantly alters how we interact with others—maybe our ‘gaydar’ isn’t quite as effective when half of our faces are hidden by masks?”
Mia makes an excellent point: safety significantly influences our ability to forge new friendships. Our ability to read others is compromised when we can’t see their full expressions. Body language takes on a new dimension, compelling us to develop alternative ways to gauge the intentions of potential friends—especially as LGBTQ individuals who are often vigilant about safety for ourselves and our children.
Then there’s the challenge of initiating conversations. In normal circumstances, this can be daunting enough. We must communicate openly (something we encourage our kids to do) not just to make friends but also to understand the type of person we’re engaging with. This can be nerve-wracking, especially if you’re part of the LGBTQ community; concerns about acceptance and their children’s reactions loom large. The need for social distancing during the pandemic makes easing into comfortable conversations that much more difficult.
One piece of advice that resonated with me was to approach conversations without expectations. Melanie Dale, author of “Women Are Scary: The Totally Awkward Adventure of Finding Mom Friends,” noted that if someone declines an invitation, it may simply be due to their hectic life or past friendship disappointments. In other words, we should avoid assuming where a potential friendship will lead, which can help prevent disappointment when conversations don’t flourish.
I find it challenging to invest in others when they don’t reciprocate that investment. As an LGBTQ parent, my expectations for friendships are understandably high. However, perhaps COVID-19 is teaching me to expect less and to be more adaptable—not just in my expectations but also in how I approach making friends.
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Summary
Creating friendships as an LGBTQ parent is increasingly complicated due to the pandemic. The isolation caused by COVID-19 has made it challenging to connect with other parents, especially for introverts. While resources exist to guide parents in making new friends, the necessity of safety precautions and social distancing complicates these efforts. Ultimately, this experience may encourage a more flexible and open-minded approach to friendship.