“I can’t fathom what I did wrong!”
This is often how these conversations begin. They typically continue with claims of how they did everything for their kids, as these parents attempt to portray themselves as victims. I can’t shake the feeling that they are really trying to convince themselves.
As someone who has experienced estrangement, these discussions are challenging for me. The words of these parents echo those of my own. I’m certain my parents are out there somewhere, insisting they’re baffled by what went wrong.
However, the reality is many of these parents are fully aware of their actions. They were present, and they know exactly what they did. Moreover, we often voice our feelings as adults, hoping they will comprehend the impact of their behavior and mend our relationship.
I’ve told my mother countless times how her actions affected me, hoping she would finally listen and apologize. All I desired was for her to recognize the years of emotional turmoil and take responsibility, which would allow me to stop blaming myself. Unfortunately, she refused to own her actions. Eventually, I made the painful decision to sever ties, and she had the nerve to act as if it was completely unexpected.
I pleaded with my father to believe my perspective over my mother’s. He did not. After what felt like the hundredth attempt, I chose to cut ties for my own mental well-being. He insists he has no clue why I no longer speak to him.
Both of my parents know the truth, but they prefer to avoid facing it. It’s more comforting for them to share their narratives with others, painting themselves as the victims, and those around them readily sympathize.
While I understand that parent-child relationships can sometimes break down, and I recognize that not every situation mirrors mine, I find it difficult to trust parents who complain about their children cutting them off without considering their children’s pain. These particular parents rarely seem to acknowledge their role in the estrangement, which makes me uncomfortable.
Separating from one’s parents is incredibly challenging. Even though my mother was abusive and my father an enabler, it took me over twenty years to finally cut ties due to our deep-rooted trauma bond.
Though it has been over four years since I distanced myself from my parents, the remnants of that bond linger. I constantly battle the urge to reconnect with them. Therefore, when parents of estranged children insist their kids “cut me out for no reason!” it sends shivers down my spine, as it feels like they are trying to ensure others view them as the victim should their children decide to speak out.
Abusers excel at manipulation, both of their victims and the people surrounding them. I perceive these unsolicited conversations as a form of manipulation. Why do you feel the need to bring this up? Why are you trying to persuade me? Why is your energy not directed towards improving your relationship with your children?
Children do not wish to sever ties with their parents, regardless of age. The Still Face Experiment by Dr. Edward Tronick in 1975 demonstrated that infants instinctively strive to repair bonds with their caregivers. When a baby interacts with a non-responsive mother, they become withdrawn and hopeless. Conversely, when the mother returns to being attentive, the infant is elated. This reveals our inherent need for connection with our parents from a very young age. As an adult child, I would be thrilled if my parents acknowledged their shortcomings and showed they had changed.
Perhaps children leave their parents not out of ingratitude but rather out of courage. They may have given their parents numerous opportunities for reconciliation.
In any abusive relationship, we admire those who escape and become survivors. Yet, when the abuser is a parent, the narrative often shifts to pity for the parents who have lost their children.
During my last discussion with a parent, I gently asked, “Have you considered asking your daughter why she’s not in contact?” They hadn’t. When I inquired why, they quickly replied, “She won’t tell me.” They assumed I was on their side, feeling sorry for them. Yet their response made me believe they already knew the answer.
“I have no idea what I’ve done wrong!”
The pretense of ignorance regarding one’s own actions is a significant issue. Contributing to the severing of a strong bond is a real mistake. Failing to learn from this and avoid accountability is another. Most hurtful of all is that these parents continue prioritizing their egos over listening to their children’s suffering, which is the root of their mistakes.
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Summary:
This article delves into the complexities of trust when it comes to parents of estranged children. It highlights the common patterns of denial and manipulation exhibited by some parents who refuse to acknowledge their contributions to the estrangement. The author reflects on their own experiences, emphasizing the difficulty of breaking away from harmful familial relationships and calling for greater accountability from parents. Ultimately, it advocates for recognizing the courage of estranged children and encourages parents to seek understanding rather than sympathy.