As a mother of four wonderful, healthy kids, you might think I would find it easy to declare that I’m completely finished with expanding my family. After all, someone in my position shouldn’t feel sorrow over the conclusion of my childbearing journey. I should simply step aside and let the younger generation with their dreams and aspirations take the lead.
Yet, cradling my fourth child, a delightful little boy whose infectious smile brightens even the darkest days, I can’t help but feel my heart ache at the thought of his “lasts.” Those bittersweet moments are creeping up on me—the final time he will nurse while drifting off to sleep, or the last time he clings to my leg with those pleading hazel eyes, asking to be picked up. It’s a strange contradiction; I am so acutely aware of the fleeting nature of time.
With my first child, I celebrated every “first”—the first smile, laugh, and steps. I encouraged their growth and felt immense pride as they developed. But now, I find myself longing for just one more day to cradle that tiny seven-pound bundle I first met ten months ago.
The ability to bring new life into the world is a profound experience, one I never truly appreciated until now. I never expected to feel such sadness as I watch expectant mothers stroll through the grocery store. I am mourning a transformative journey that has defined my life for nearly a decade.
Life has changed drastically; my days of carefree nights have morphed into midnight feedings. Instead of hitting the gym after work, I rush home to prepare dinner for my kids. Instead of searching for the perfect outfit for a night out, I am off to grab the latest Trolls movie for family night.
Life is a series of moments that can reshape our paths. The realization that I will never again live through those long, hope-filled nine months of anticipation is a tough pill to swallow. You might think I’d be relieved to never again squeeze into tight shirts at 38 weeks or endure those uncomfortable mesh panties, but instead, I feel weary. Old.
While I should be sharing advice with younger mothers, I find myself itching to offer guidance to my baby brother, who just welcomed his first child. Ironically, I was not one of those women who thrived during pregnancy. With sciatic pain, hormonal upheaval, and constant nausea, it’s almost miraculous that I chose to have more than one child.
When you first become a parent, you hear everyone say how quickly time flies, urging you to cherish every moment. At that time, it’s hard to believe—how can you enjoy two hours of sleep at a stretch? But now, I look back and wonder how I transitioned from a young mother to a seasoned one, with the evidence of my journey etched in my body. Next year, three of my four kids will be in elementary school, and my oldest will be in third grade.
Instead of celebrating this stage of life, I find myself sneaking into the kitchen after the baby is asleep, indulging in a bag of chocolate chip cookies. As I munch quietly, I eye the mound of clothes that no longer fit my baby—a stark reminder of how swiftly he is growing.
I know there are many women who struggle with fertility or carrying a child. Surely, I shouldn’t feel sorrow over my completed family after having brought four lives into the world, right? Life has a way of moving forward, whether we’re ready or not. Our children age a bit more each day, often without us noticing those “lasts” until they’re gone.
If I were to offer any advice, it would be to pause. Stop fretting over the mess in your home or the laundry piling up. Don’t fixate on the milestones your child has yet to reach. Put down your phone, snuggle that baby, and engage with your first grader. You may not realize how rapidly your children evolve. Their interests can shift from dolls to makeup in the blink of an eye.
Seek out those quiet moments amid the chaos, and appreciate your children for who they are right now. They may not be the same the next time you take the time to notice.
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In summary, while I embrace the decision to conclude my journey of having children, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of loss. Each stage of motherhood brings its own joys and challenges, and as my children grow, it’s crucial to appreciate every fleeting moment, recognizing that these experiences shape not only their lives but mine as well.