Every day, my younger brother, who is ten years my junior, FaceTimes me. He’s the one reaching out, and I’m always thrilled to answer. As his big sister, I find myself giving advice, sending him a few extra dollars through Venmo while he navigates the challenges of money management, or simply having a conversation about life. In many ways, I’ve become the closest thing to a parent he has.
While I didn’t give birth to him, we share the same mother, who passed away thirteen years ago. Before her death, she was far from the ideal parent. She was emotionally and physically absent, often in and out of jail and struggling with addiction. This caretaker role feels familiar to me; it’s what I’ve always known, and taking off that responsibility is a challenge, especially when it comes to my siblings. But it’s also draining.
Growing up, I felt a weight of responsibility toward my siblings, Mia and Lucas, that no child should have to bear. I felt compelled to shield them from our mother’s absence. I was the one who had to show up, to learn how to play with them, to love them, and to explain why our mother never tucked them in at night.
A quick search for “siblings caring for siblings” reveals a lack of data on this topic. It’s rarely discussed, and there’s little research available. My situation felt like a burdensome secret; I was the go-to person for my siblings. Over the years, we had makeshift parental figures because our mother was often unavailable due to her struggles. It was clear that she couldn’t provide what we needed, but I could.
Despite the challenges, I’m thankful. The experiences I endured—from visiting her in jail to managing her bail—shaped me into who I am today. I’ve learned to craft my words carefully, ensuring I don’t offend or hurt others, especially my siblings. This skill has sometimes made my responses seem insincere, but it’s truly an effort to protect their feelings.
There are countless caregivers in the world. Many mothers embrace this role willingly, but when you’re caring for a sibling due to a parent’s inability to do so, the dynamics shift significantly. It’s essential to establish boundaries, know what can be shared, and manage the shame that comes with it. One lesson I learned after adopting my son is that everyone needs someone to rely on. For my siblings, that person is me. Just like with my own children, I may feel overwhelmed and want to decline their calls, but love is what binds us all.
Being a sibling and a caretaker brings me joy as I witness their growth. Yes, it can be tiring, and I’m entitled to vent about it. But I would never abandon them, just as I wouldn’t do with my biological children. My role as their caregiver has influenced every relationship I’ve had, both personally and professionally.
In an article by Cindy Lahe in The Atlantic, it’s noted that while there’s extensive literature on parental neglect, there’s little examination of how this neglect forces children into caregiving roles for one another. There’s a significant gap in understanding how these dynamics affect relationships later in life. Interestingly, I never felt neglected by my mother—I simply recognized that her absence made me stronger, ultimately preparing me to be a better mother myself.
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- Sibling caregiving roles
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Summary:
In this article, Jamie Carter shares her journey of becoming a caretaker for her younger siblings after their mother’s absence due to addiction and incarceration. She reflects on the challenges and responsibilities she faced growing up and how those experiences shaped her into the person she is today. Jamie emphasizes the importance of love and support in sibling relationships while acknowledging the unique dynamics that come with being a caregiver in these circumstances.