To say that my partner and I have lived a storybook life would be an understatement. I met Alex in the autumn of 1996 when he was 11 and I was 12. We chatted frequently about cartoons, our favorite sports teams, music, and books. We shared a seat in art class, and he always had a way of making me laugh during science class, often at the expense of our teacher or classmates. When the Halloween dance approached that October, I asked him to be my date, and we swayed to songs about love.
We began dating in 2001, at the start of our senior year, and moved in together in 2003 while attending college in Philadelphia. Living together was ideal; we had no roommates, no rules, and the freedom to do as we pleased. We tied the knot in the fall of 2007 and welcomed two children, in 2013 and 2019.
While our relationship has always been supportive and comforting, founded on a strong friendship, I found myself changing in my 30s. By the time I turned 36, I realized that my feelings for Alex weren’t the same as they once were. I discovered that I wanted to be with women. I felt I needed to be with women.
Of course, my vows didn’t prepare me for this revelation. When we stood together before our loved ones and promised to be together “for better or for worse,” I truly believed we would grow old side by side. So, when these feelings surfaced, I tried to ignore them, suppressing my desires and rationalizing my emotions. I thought this was simply part of “the worse” that my pastor had warned me about.
However, the harder I fought these feelings, the more they took hold of me. I became increasingly frustrated and depressed, spending many nights crying alone. Yet, I continued to push through in silence, feeling ashamed. I had a loving husband and two wonderful children, and while my life lacked a white picket fence, I believed I had everything I needed. Therefore, I convinced myself that I couldn’t possibly be a lesbian.
In March, I told Alex that I identified as bisexual, just before COVID-19 changed our lives forever. He wanted to know what that meant for us, and I told him it wouldn’t affect our relationship. He was supportive, even sharing erotic stories and images of women with me. But deep down, I knew that this newfound identity felt wrong. I wasn’t bisexual; that was a way to dodge the truth. I was a woman who loved women.
Today, I identify as queer. Yet, this realization doesn’t ease my struggles. I still present as a heterosexual woman living a “normal” life, and I’m uncertain about how to move forward. I don’t want to lose my children or my best friend, but in this process, I feel like I’m losing myself. Each day, I feel more lost and alone, and I carry the weight of shame because I know my husband is hurting because of me.
It feels like I have to choose between his happiness and mine, which is the most painful dilemma. The walls of our modest home feel increasingly confining, the tension palpable.
On a positive note, I have a fantastic therapist and psychiatrist, along with supportive friends who understand what I’m going through. They remind me that it’s okay to be queer. As for my marriage, the future is uncertain as we navigate these uncharted waters together. I would be lying if I said I was okay; I’m scared—more scared than I’ve ever been. But we will keep talking, even when the conversations are difficult, because I married my soulmate and best friend. My sexual desires may have evolved, but Alex remains a vital part of my life.
If you’re interested in more insights about queer relationships and parenting, check out this other blog post here. For those exploring insemination options, you can find valuable resources on artificial insemination kits that can help you on your journey. Additionally, the CDC offers excellent information on infertility and related topics.
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- Queer women in heterosexual marriages
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Summary:
This article reflects on the journey of a queer woman navigating her identity while married to a man. Despite a strong foundation built on friendship, she grapples with her evolving sexual desires and the fear of losing her family. With support from friends and professionals, she seeks to reconcile her feelings while maintaining open communication with her husband.