Last year, I embarked on a journey to prioritize my well-being. A few months after the birth of my second child, I felt utterly exhausted. I stumbled upon an online fitness subscription offering a vast array of workout videos, each promising to transform me into a stronger, happier, and healthier version of myself. Eager for a positive shift, I thought this would be an ideal way to focus on self-care during the postpartum phase.
I had convinced myself that shedding a certain number of pounds was essential for my health and that achieving this physical change would reignite my inner spark. My plan involved waking up before my boys to tackle a quick, intense workout. I was hopeful that this routine would bring some order to my chaotic life.
This approach seemed sensible, especially considering my past struggles with disordered eating in college. I meticulously counted calories, adhered to strict diets, and often skipped meals. I spent countless hours at the gym, and if my exercise or eating habits didn’t meet my lofty standards, I would spiral into anxiety.
I mistakenly believed this was what being healthy meant until my life began to unravel. I was engulfed in anxiety, swinging between feeling numb and being overwhelmed by emotions. Simple decisions became monumental tasks, and I found myself lashing out at loved ones. To regain control, I sought counseling.
During my first counseling experience for disordered eating, I learned a groundbreaking truth: dieting is unnecessary. This revelation was both shocking and liberating, transforming my life in profound ways. I stopped obsessively counting calories and learned to listen to my body’s hunger cues instead.
My understanding primarily stemmed from the book Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole, which highlights the detrimental effects of dieting. Although the shift was gradual and sometimes uncomfortable, I eventually liberated myself from the toxic cycle of dieting and bingeing. While my desire to be thinner didn’t vanish entirely, it lost its grip on my life after counseling, allowing me to embrace my existence once more.
Years went by, and I married my wonderful partner, worked as a nurse, and became a mother to two distinct boys. My journey through motherhood has been beautiful yet challenging. After my second child, I found myself feeling increasingly low and sought to redefine what “healthy” meant in this new chapter. The online fitness program seemed like a good starting point, with promises of results from consistent effort.
Months passed, yet I saw no results. I didn’t lose weight, nor did I feel better. Finding time to work out in the mornings proved challenging, and when I did, the experience was disheartening. I felt judged by the fit trainers in the videos, leading to frustration and feelings of inadequacy. My self-care efforts had backfired; I needed genuine support.
Thus began my second round of counseling for disordered eating. Although I had stopped harmful behaviors like excessive exercise and bingeing, I was surprised to discover I still held onto distorted beliefs associated with eating disorders. Thoughts like “Everything will be better when you lose weight” and “If you were just smaller, you would feel so much better” still lingered. I realized I was pressuring myself not only to be the perfect size but also the perfect mother, partner, friend, and daughter. This relentless pursuit of perfection left me feeling suffocated.
Brené Brown, a renowned author and researcher on shame, states in her book Daring Greatly, “If we want children who love and accept who they are, our job is to love and accept who we are.” This insight prompted me to understand that the change I needed wasn’t related to my weight.
Now, I’m on the path to self-love and acceptance. I continue to work with my counselor, exploring concepts like embodiment, mindfulness, and body image to challenge the false narratives perpetuated by society and my past experiences with disordered eating. I’ve realized that I don’t need to be slim to enjoy my life or to practice self-acceptance. In fact, pursuing weight loss ended up being detrimental to my health and well-being.
I now prioritize caring for my body, not for the sake of appearance, but out of respect for what it can do. I’ve started engaging in activities I love, such as hiking, yoga, and kickboxing. My body, shaped by motherhood, is incredibly strong. I can play on the floor with my boys and conquer beautiful mountains. This is my new definition of true self-care.
Just yesterday, I canceled my online fitness subscription.
My year-long self-care journey didn’t unfold as I had envisioned. I didn’t lose weight, but I discovered a beautiful, capable body. A year later, I am a renewed, strong, happy version of myself.