When I was pregnant with my first daughter at just 17, formula feeding seemed like my only option. As a single teen mom balancing school and a job at Chili’s, it was a practical choice. Nobody seemed surprised by my decision; they likely thought, “As long as the baby is fed, what more can we expect?” Looking back, I realize how easily I was let off the hook.
Fast forward ten years, and I find myself in a stable marriage, expecting another child, and working from home—a significant improvement from my earlier situation. However, despite our newfound stability and the privilege of age and wisdom, I’ve never felt more scrutinized for my choice to either exclusively pump or, depending on how it goes, possibly use formula for my newborn.
When I decided to try pumping, I felt empowered, as if I had just reached the top of the Philadelphia Museum steps, ready to celebrate my commitment to providing my baby with the praised breastmilk. Yet, when I proudly shared my plan to exclusively pump, I was met with disappointment and unsolicited advice. “Oh, well okay, but you know…” they would say, implying I was somehow missing out.
Wasn’t I still providing my child with the highly sought-after breastmilk, even if it came from a bottle? Suddenly, I found myself on the defensive, needing to justify my decision without exposing my deepest vulnerabilities, which might only amplify their judgments. So, I crafted secondary reasons: my husband can help more with bottle feeding during those long nights, it suits our family’s needs better, and it allows for easier monitoring of the baby’s intake.
However, the common responses I received were less than encouraging. “It’s more of a bonding experience if you breastfeed. Don’t you want that?” they would ask. As if I didn’t already bond with the child I carried for nine months, who, by the way, thrived on a bottle.
Another frequent piece of unsolicited advice was, “You should just try it and see. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” But here’s the truth: I am a survivor of sexual abuse, which has left me with deep-seated issues around touch and close contact. Research indicates that many survivors struggle with breastfeeding for various reasons, including feelings of insecurity and PTSD. It’s essential to remember: your body, your baby, your choice.
“It’s the most natural thing in the world,” some would say, including my well-meaning husband. But the thought of such an “natural” act only made me uneasy. Reliving past trauma while trying to nourish my child isn’t what anyone would call natural, and the guilt that comes along with it is overwhelming. I have grappled with discomfort around my chest and arms, even during a brief attempt to breastfeed my firstborn, which was pressured by a nurse.
Now, ten years later, I still feel those chains of trauma holding me back. The thought of a breast pump or allowing my newborn to latch fills me with dread. Yet, I am trying. I want to overcome my past and find value in the unsolicited advice thrown my way. I aspire to be a good mother while confronting my own demons.
“Just push through it. It’s temporary, but the benefits are forever,” they say. While some women can power through those moments of mother-baby contact, others struggle and should not be blamed for it. A confident and comfortable mother is invaluable. You must prioritize what feels right emotionally and mentally, as stress can negatively impact both you and your baby. Those offering advice won’t be there with you at 3 a.m. when you’re exhausted and grappling with your past.
I’m uncertain if pumping will work for me, but I know my child will not suffer from a lack of breastmilk. My oldest daughter, who thrived on formula, is quirky in her own delightful way, and I doubt that had anything to do with her feeding method.
For more insights on navigating parenthood and home insemination, check out this related post. If you’re considering artificial insemination options, this resource is a great option, and you can also find valuable information at the CDC website.
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In summary, my journey through motherhood has been shaped by past traumas that make traditional breastfeeding particularly challenging for me. While I strive to provide the best for my newborn through pumping or formula feeding, it’s crucial to remember that every mother’s experience is unique, and choices should be respected.