As I approached the third trimester of my first pregnancy with twins, I couldn’t shake off the unsettling thoughts about what lay ahead. I envisioned myself a few months postpartum, cradling both babies, sweat dripping down my face, and sobbing uncontrollably. “Brace yourself,” I told my partner.
It’s a strange sensation to prepare for potential depression while remaining calm. But with statistics showing that 30-50% of new mothers face mild to severe depression – and an even higher rate for mothers of multiples – I felt the inevitability. Doctors were already having me fill out questionnaires: on a scale of 1-5, how often did I feel like harming myself today?
However, when the twins arrived and our new routine settled in, I found myself navigating motherhood better than expected. Yes, it was a significant adjustment, and there were moments of tears, but overall, I felt happier, more supported, and more loved than ever before.
Yet, unlike typical new mothers, I had previously battled postpartum depression four years earlier when I met my five-year-old stepdaughter.
My stepdaughter and I share a strong connection and a wonderful friendship. She accepted me as a trusted adult right from the start. While it was a smooth transition, it still required adjustment, as it does for any parent.
I had been dating my boyfriend (now husband) for six months before meeting his daughter. We wanted to ensure our relationship was solid before the introduction. In my ignorance, I believed his daughter would merely be an accessory in our lives, a piece rather than the focal point. But when we were together – me, my boyfriend, and his daughter – it became clear that I was the accessory. From the moment she entered my life, my responsibilities shifted dramatically, intertwining my future with that of a child who was not biologically mine.
A month into my role as a stepparent, I found myself crying for reasons I couldn’t articulate. Breathing felt labored; I would lie awake at night, counting my breaths and questioning whether I was inhaling too deeply or too shallowly. I was lost and unaware that there was a name for what I was experiencing. I visited the doctor three times that fall, only to be dismissed each time.
When my twins were three months old, I participated in a “New Moms Group” where mothers with infants under six months gathered to share their experiences. I was the only one with twins and the only stepparent. When I mentioned my belief that I had previously suffered from postpartum depression as a stepparent, the other women showed interest but hesitated at the comparison. “Postpartum depression is hormonal,” they insisted, ending the conversation.
Yet, depression doesn’t solely arise from a hormonal imbalance. Fathers can experience postpartum depression, as can adoptive parents – and I did too, as a stepparent.
Becoming a mother means navigating new identities and adapting to different roles, which can incite anxiety and depression. Stepparents face similar challenges, often without support systems. They are seldom included in the same communities as biological parents.
Critics may argue that stepparents have the option to walk away since the child isn’t their legal dependent. However, this doesn’t negate the genuine anxiety that accompanies parenthood. How many relationships have dissolved due to undiagnosed postpartum depression in stepparents?
There has been a growing awareness around the postpartum period, and I appreciate that. Any movement toward destigmatizing mental health and promoting self-care benefits everyone. Public figures like Ava Thompson and Emma Carter have bravely shared their postpartum experiences, which is incredibly helpful for parents everywhere. However, what’s often overlooked is that managing depression is closely linked to the availability of support, and stepparents often lack this crucial resource.
With my twins, I had access to doctors, nurses, doulas, community centers, family, friends, and moms groups. As a stepparent, I found myself without that support. Even close friends, who met and liked my partner, would sometimes question my choices. “Is he really worth it?” they would ask. At times, I wasn’t sure.
When you fall in love with someone who has a child from a previous relationship, you become part of a family that has already faced challenges, even if you weren’t the cause. Biological mothers are permitted to experience joy and sadness. Conversely, society often denies stepparents the same emotional range. If a stepparent feels love for their stepchildren, they risk being seen as overstepping. If they express frustration or anger, they may be labeled as villainous.
As Lisa Doodson, author of How to be a Happy Stepmum, notes, “I interviewed 250 stepmothers and discovered they had significantly higher anxiety levels and depression than biological mothers and also had poorer support than traditional families.”
Many stepparents meet their partner’s children when their relationship is still fresh. They may feel a sense of permanence, as I did, but the reality remains uncertain. When a woman gives birth, she becomes a mother for life, whereas a stepparent’s role is less defined. When does a stepparent become a mother? Is it upon meeting the child? After marriage? What happens if the relationship with the biological parent ends? These questions often linger without clear answers.
Over time, my anxiety faded as I gained confidence in my role, fostered my relationship with my stepdaughter, and made choices that improved my well-being. It took about a year, but eventually, I no longer felt like an accessory. I still have my struggles, experiencing moments of sadness, jealousy, and frustration. But I also feel joy, contentment, and gratitude. Isn’t that true for every parent?
As author Wednesday Martin aptly put it in the Dear Sugar podcast on stepparenting, “You want to fall somewhere between an aunt and an ally.” With my stepdaughter, a fun and accepting child, this balance was easier to achieve. For many others, it’s a real challenge.
Now that my twins are three, they adore their big sister, and she, in turn, loves them. I’ve found peace in my dual roles as mother and stepmother. I have navigated the postpartum period with all my children, including my stepchild. Our society needs to prioritize resources for all types of depression, including postpartum depression, and ensure that support extends to those outside the traditional biological parent framework.
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Summary:
This article explores the often-overlooked emotional challenges faced by stepparents during the postpartum period, emphasizing the need for support and understanding. It highlights personal experiences with postpartum depression and the unique dynamics of blending families. The need for resources that address the mental health of stepparents is underscored, advocating for greater awareness and support in this often marginalized parenting role.