Parenting Performance (n.): The elaborate display enacted by parents when in the presence of other parents or, heaven forbid, their own parents, showcasing their interactions with their children.
Act 1: Culinary Performance
At home, Mia might throw a tantrum at the sight of broccoli, and Ethan may treat fish like it’s something from a horror movie. While these food preferences can be trying, they’re just par for the course with Mia and Ethan. However, during a dinner at a friend’s house where the menu features fish and green beans, it’s showtime! Here are a few strategies to navigate this culinary theater:
- Exaggerated Excuse: “Ethan is allergic to fish!” or “Mia loves all veggies except green beans!” (Cue the request for penne pasta.)
- Behind-the-Scenes Coordination: Pulling Mia and Ethan aside to reassure them that their dinner fate depends on their silence. As the meal arrives, they get fish and green beans, while you casually help yourself to an extra serving of garlic bread.
- Old-School Approach: Firmly instructing Mia and Ethan in front of everyone that they must take at least one bite of everything to be polite, leading to a standoff that makes the host order a cheese pizza out of sheer discomfort.
Act 2: Playground Performance
This act is mostly about suppressing the thought that another child is being a total brat (“They’re just kids! I’m sure your kid didn’t mean to crash into mine with that toy truck!”) or over-apologizing when your child is the one causing chaos. (“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry! She never shoves sand at others. What’s gotten into her?”). Other examples include dramatically removing your child from the swing after a few minutes while others swing indefinitely, or pretending to search for your child in the park, all the while having no clue where they are.
Act 3: Screen Time Drama
When another family joins you for dinner, and you find your kids glued to their devices, you shout for them to turn them off. As screens snap shut, you proclaim, “We only allow 20 minutes of screen time!” while engaging in a serious discussion about limiting screens with your fellow parents (all the while secretly holding onto your own phone). Once the devices are away, your children revert to their usual antics: Nerf battles, indoor soccer, and wrestling. Later, when the noise level reaches a crescendo, someone suggests putting on a movie, reminding you why you invited them over in the first place—finally, some peace and quiet!
Act 4: ‘Are You Talking to Me?’ Performance
When your children are little, this act is triggered during a meltdown after you forcibly remove one from another child’s tricycle. The child erupts, attempting to hit you, to which you respond with a well-timed “No! You do NOT hit mommy!” (even if she occasionally does) followed by, “Oh sweetheart, you’re just so tired,” and finishing with a firm “That’s ENOUGH!” as you strap her into the stroller like a scene from a comedy. As they grow older, this act morphs into a moment in the grocery store when your 10-year-old calls his 8-year-old brother a “jerk,” and you whisper “Watch your language!” even though you just let out a colorful curse moments ago in the parking lot.
Act 5: Grandparent Performance
This performance occurs when your children exhibit any of the previous behaviors in front of your parents, prompting you to showcase your “perfect parenting.” This may even lead you to confine your kids to a closet for failing to address the UPS delivery person correctly. You recall your own childhood mishaps, like falling out of the backseat of your parents’ car for not wearing a seatbelt. At this point, you might be inclined to tell your parents where to stick their judgmental comments while your kids munch on junk food and play games, all the while making questionable choices. After all, at least your kids are secured in car seats.
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In summary, parenting often feels like a theatrical performance with various acts, each filled with its own unique challenges and humorous moments. Whether navigating mealtime dilemmas, playground antics, or screen time negotiations, every parent has their own show to put on. Embrace the chaos and remember you’re not alone on this stage!
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