My adopted son entered our lives at the age of nine. Initially, my partner and I had not considered adoption; however, a family emergency opened that door, and we felt compelled to act. We understood that welcoming an older child into our family would present unique challenges, yet we believed we could provide him with a nurturing and secure environment.
Nonetheless, we were unprepared for the complexities that come with adopting an older child.
Our adoption journey is quite unique. My son is actually my cousin; his birth mother is the youngest of ten siblings, while my father is the oldest. Complications related to her diabetes led to her sudden illness, creating a pressing need for my son to find a new home. Although our situation was intricate, we still encountered many common experiences typical of the adoption process.
I initially believed that gaining full custody of my son would be straightforward due to the support of his birth mother. However, navigating the foster care system and family court is far more complicated than I had anticipated. What I thought would be a matter of months extended into nearly two years of legal processes. Court dates were frequently delayed, and often we arrived only to find paperwork was missing, requiring rescheduling. Even now, after having legal custody for over five years, the adoption process remains incomplete.
Adopting older children can also be complicated by their birth families. It’s not unusual for relatives to contest the adoption. The foster system typically prioritizes reuniting children with their birth parents, which can prolong the process. In our case, my family was involved in the birth family dynamics, and while they supported the adoption, we faced challenges from my son’s birth father. This situation was undeniably heartbreaking.
Separating a child from their birth family can be traumatic, regardless of the circumstances. The older the child, the more they understand what is happening. My son had to relocate across the country to live with relatives he barely knew, adjusting to an entirely new lifestyle. He found himself in a home with new siblings, under the care of unfamiliar parents, and starting at a new school—all while being acutely aware of his mother’s serious condition.
We recognized early on that counseling and family therapy were essential. Our son had a lot of feelings to work through, which often manifested in anger or withdrawal. Like many adoptive parents, I wished I could shoulder his burdens. I never anticipated the depth of his struggles; all we could provide was support and professional help.
Older children come with their own histories, often accompanied by intense emotions that no child should have to bear alone. They require substantial support to process these feelings—something that necessitates time and professional guidance.
Another aspect we had to navigate was helping our biological children adjust to having an older sibling. We had two kids before gaining custody of my eldest son. The shift in family dynamics was unexpected; our firstborn transitioned from being the oldest to the middle child, which he initially struggled with. Thankfully, over the years, they have grown close and now enjoy teaming up to annoy their younger siblings.
We also had to reconcile the differences in our parenting styles. My son came from a single-parent household, making the presence of an involved father a significant adjustment for him. Our family had different rules, expectations, and communication styles, which required patience, reiteration, and a lot of dialogue.
We may have gone overboard on communication, but I always wanted my son to understand our rationale behind rules and requests. I am acutely aware of how isolated he might feel, and I strive to minimize those feelings of being an outsider. It should not be his job to create a sense of belonging.
Adopting any child is a journey filled with unpredictable highs and lows. You cannot fully grasp the level of patience and understanding required until you are immersed in the experience. However, it is vital to commit for the long haul, as every adopted child deserves a home that feels loving, accepting, and safe.
Sadly, we lost my son’s birth mother over three years ago. I am grateful we were there to support him through that loss. He has transformed from a frightened, uncertain child into a confident teenager—the typical mix of mood swings, eye rolls, and moments of growth that come with adolescence. Every day continues to be a learning experience, and even with all I know now, I would choose to adopt my son a thousand times over.
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Summary:
Adopting an older child can be a complex journey filled with emotional challenges and unexpected hurdles. The author shares personal experiences and insights on the nuances of adopting a relative, navigating legal processes, and providing emotional support. They emphasize the importance of communication and understanding within the family as they adjusted to their new dynamics. Ultimately, despite the difficulties faced, the love and growth experienced make it a rewarding decision.