The holiday season is my favorite time of year. I revel in everything about it, and I feel most like myself when I’m surrounded by festive treats and shimmering lights. The joy of baking, decorating, and indulging in holiday movies fills me with anticipation, so once it’s over, I find myself eagerly counting down the days until I can do it all again. Last year, after packing away the decorations, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me. To lift my spirits, I told my kids, “Before we know it, it’ll be February. I start decorating and enjoying Christmas movies around Halloween, so technically, I’ve only got nine months to wait!” My youngest gave me a sympathetic hug, sensing my disappointment.
However, my love for the holidays doesn’t diminish my anxiety; in fact, it often intensifies. I first recognized this about twenty years ago in the shower when I almost had a panic attack over the looming list of holiday tasks: buying gifts for everyone, hosting a cookie exchange, planning craft nights, and decorating. I wanted to do it all, yet my mind was ensnared in a loop of worries about finances and commitments.
I began waking up early, rushing to complete tasks, and my weekends filled up with obligations, leaving me irritable and overwhelmed. My then-partner pointed out, in his “here we go again” tone, that I was ruining his holiday cheer. I insisted I was just excited, but he replied, “This isn’t excitement; it’s anxiety.” He was right.
My heart was racing, and I couldn’t relax enough to enjoy the season. It felt like a relentless drive to do everything perfectly, only to find myself exhausted by the time the festivities ended, suffering from a month-long holiday hangover. High-functioning anxiety during the holidays makes it feel like there’s too much to accomplish, and you want to create a magical experience for everyone involved.
You might find yourself curled up for a family movie night in matching pajamas, but suddenly realize you still haven’t baked cookies for your neighbor, who loves them. You impose expectations on yourself that you wouldn’t dream of placing on others, thinking you can handle it all. And when it becomes overwhelming, you might convince yourself that you’re failing.
When you attempt to relax, you struggle to immerse yourself in the moment. Your family might become frustrated with you because you’re upset with them for not decorating the tree correctly or disagreeing on the Christmas dinner menu. The pressure to make everything perfect can be all-consuming, leaving you feeling like the weight of the holiday season is entirely on your shoulders.
Growing up, my mother was often frazzled during the holidays, which made it hard to enjoy the season. I don’t want to be the one who drains the joy from our family celebrations. Yes, I want to be involved and create memorable moments, but I also struggle with anxiety. It’s challenging to distinguish between doing things out of joy or feeling obligated, and it’s a delicate balance to maintain.
My partner was right all those years ago; it’s not excitement if you can’t enjoy what you’re doing. Many people experience this struggle and need to remember that everything will be fine if they take time to just be present instead of trying to manufacture every moment. Each year, I work on this internal battle, and while it’s an ongoing challenge, those who experience high-functioning anxiety are resilient and find ways to cope.
Hopefully, we can learn to forgive ourselves for not achieving the perfect balance and even allow ourselves to let go of the need to try.
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Summary:
The holiday season can be a joyful yet anxiety-inducing time, particularly for those who strive for perfection. The drive to create meaningful experiences often leads to overwhelming pressure, and it’s common to confuse excitement with anxiety. It’s crucial to recognize when the pursuit of holiday perfection detracts from enjoyment and to find ways to strike a balance.