I share my home with three teenagers, and this year they all opted for 100% online learning. So, one could say we’re together constantly, especially since I work from home. But in reality, we aren’t. It’s nearly 11 a.m., and I’ve seen my eldest child for a mere five minutes while he grabbed breakfast as I searched for my running gear in the dryer.
After my shower, I checked on my daughter, who was engrossed in her math class on the computer. My youngest is MIA, but I’ve heard him in the bathroom and some noises from his room, so I assume he’s doing fine.
At first, I felt disheartened when they all retreated to their rooms. After school, they would grab a snack, offer me a few indifferent shrugs when I asked about their day, and then vanish until dinner. I used to knock on their doors, begging them to come out. I even tried bribing them with ice cream and meals at their favorite restaurants to spend time with me. I felt lonely, as if something was amiss.
One day, I had three lively kids who loved chatting with me about everything, and the next, they were hiding in their rooms. I longed for quieter days when they were younger, but now that I had them, it felt strange and unsettling.
After discussing this with fellow parents of teens, I learned this detachment is just part of the process. It’s not a personal rejection. While they may express their embarrassment over our presence, it’s not about us. Teenagers are focused on themselves, building friendships (even virtually), and discovering their identities separate from their parents.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Is it tough? Yes, indeed.
One thing I’ve realized that works with my three teenagers—who are close in age but each handle things differently—is that it’s actually beneficial to give them space. If they choose to spend days in their rooms, it’s because they need that solitude. This doesn’t mean you ignore them entirely; you still check in, ask questions, and show your love and support. They might not respond, but they hear you.
It’s essential to recognize that whether they’re grappling with emotions or simply enjoying their solitude, it’s perfectly fine to let them be. You can be concerned but resist the urge to intervene every few minutes, hoping to bring back the chatty versions of them you remember.
My youngest, now 14, has turned his room into a sanctuary, complete with special lighting and a mini fridge. He’s even started growing plants and caring for a few queen ants! When my older kids were his age, they also preferred their own space, and I struggled with it. What did it mean? Were they okay? What did it say about my parenting? Would they ever want to spend time with me again?
I used to push them, constantly trying to coax them out of their rooms, which only made things worse. Eventually, I learned that giving them space made a world of difference. My two oldest, now 17 and 15, emerge more frequently and engage with me more. While they’re not the same kids they were at ten, they are flourishing into the individuals they’re meant to be.
Change is a natural part of growing up, and it’s crucial for us parents to understand that our teens need their alone time. They know they can come down whenever they want to join family activities, but sometimes, they simply prefer solitude. And that’s perfectly okay.
So, let them be, and I assure you, they’ll come around much quicker than if you’re constantly hovering. I learned that the hard way, so you don’t have to.
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