Just six months ago, my life was irrevocably changed after receiving a devastating phone call. At 7:15 p.m. on April 29th, I learned that my healthy, courageous husband had suffered cardiac arrest after battling COVID-19. The immediate wave of sorrow hit me hard as I realized the man I intended to share my life with was suddenly gone.
The ordeal began with a simple cough the day after our daughter’s second birthday. Given that my husband, Jake, worked in a hospital where he encountered patients with respiratory challenges, we feared it might be more serious. He acted responsibly and attempted to get tested right away, but testing sites were already overwhelmed. Initially, he felt fine, but soon a fever set in, confirming our worst fears. After four days of trying, he finally tested positive for COVID-19.
Once we received the news that Monday, I noticed Jake became increasingly fatigued, and his fever persisted. He struggled to eat and forced himself to hydrate. I asked him daily, “Can you breathe?” His reassuring “Yes” provided me a sliver of comfort, as it was common knowledge that difficulty breathing was a sign to seek immediate medical help. However, that peace was shattered on the morning of April 3rd when I awoke to hear him gasping for air, prompting me to call for an ambulance.
He was taken out of our home on a stretcher, and that was the last time I saw him. What followed was an excruciating 26 days filled with anxiety as I clung to phone calls with the hospital for updates on his condition. Those calls drained me, both physically and emotionally. I faced delays and frustratingly long waits for information. I remember one particular day when I learned that Jake’s heart had stopped for 20 seconds in the middle of the night, which shattered my hope that no news meant good news.
There were glimmers of hope when I received updates indicating progress, only to be followed by setbacks that plunged me back into despair. The day I received that final call, I knew the truth. I understood that I would never again hear him say, “I love you.” My life was irrevocably altered. My immediate thoughts were of our two-year-old daughter, Mia, and how I would explain to her that her Papa wouldn’t be returning home. I also worried about how my infant son, Leo, would grow up without the loving presence of his father.
Now, six months later, as I navigate the painful aftermath of this loss, I face a new set of challenges. Being a single mother to young children is incredibly demanding. I strive to help Mia process her grief while also reassuring her about the wonderful memories of her Papa. Those moments when I catch her reflecting on him are heart-wrenching. She is so young and shouldn’t have to endure the trauma of losing him. However, I’ve found that these moments are perfect opportunities to share stories about Jake, and it’s astonishing to see how much she recalls about him.
Looking at Leo, I see his father’s smile, which brings both joy and sorrow. While I feel happiness knowing Jake would be proud of the little boy Leo is growing into, it pains me that he will have no memories of his father. This realization fuels my determination to keep Jake’s memory alive. Every night, as I tuck Mia and Leo into bed, we say goodnight to their Papa. We place his picture beside them and remind them that he is watching over us with love.
Even after all this time, the heartache from losing Jake persists. I am a young widow adjusting to a “new” reality while healing. Managing life as a single parent is overwhelming at times, and initially, I felt isolated in my grief. It wasn’t until I received a heartfelt card from someone else who had experienced similar loss that I realized I wasn’t alone. This inspired me to create a Facebook group for young widows and widowers who lost their partners to COVID-19. Coming together in this way has been invaluable as we support each other through this shared journey toward a “new normal.”
The grief of losing a life partner to COVID is a pain that can only be truly understood by those who have lived it. My life, along with my children’s, will never be the same. All I can do now is share our story and move forward.
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In summary, Emily Harper shares her poignant journey of becoming a young widow due to the unexpected loss of her husband, Jake, to COVID-19. As she grapples with the challenges of single motherhood and guiding her children through their grief, she finds strength in community support and the need to preserve her husband’s legacy.