One of the moms is crying again.
As I cradle my daughter against my chest with one arm, I try to discreetly hand a rattle to a nearby baby who is reaching for it, all while listening to a fellow mom’s tearful story.
Next to us, another mother rummages through her diaper bag, tossing out a shirt, bib, car keys, a squished granola bar, tubes of nipple cream, diaper rash cream, Vaseline, wrinkled pediatrician appointment paperwork, wipes, and a pink stuffed cat, before finally locating the last diaper at the very bottom. She manages to hold back her tears for now.
Crying is par for the course in a room full of new parents, whether they’ve experienced childbirth or a C-section. The rush of hormones and emotions can lead to self-doubt and plenty of tears. There are feelings about pausing your career or leaving it behind to nurture this tiny human—someone you’re expected to know how to raise, keep alive, and make happy. Add in the stress of returning to work and the fear of harming a dependent little being, and it’s no surprise that tears flow freely.
On this particular day in our parent-baby group, the crying seems to have an easy fix. Let’s call this mom “Returning-to-Work Mom.” She’s distraught because her milk supply is low.
I have an abundance of breast milk stored away. In fact, I’ve been accumulating a stash in my freezer.
After the group, I approach Returning-to-Work Mom and express my sympathies, offering her a hug and then suggesting my extra milk. She accepts the hug but declines the milk.
You might not know about the vast network of breast milk advocates out there—partly fueled by the mantra of breastfeeding being the best option for infants. This community thrives through milk banks, organized Facebook groups, lactation meetups, and connections between parents.
Like many new moms, I was unaware of this community until I began contemplating breastfeeding during my pregnancy. I learned that milk flows like a showerhead rather than a squirt gun and discovered the numerous benefits of breastfeeding. I also became aware of the ongoing debate around the terms “human milk” and “nursing,” aiming for more inclusivity.
I had meticulously calculated how much milk I needed to store before returning to work and ended up with a surplus. Yet, Returning-to-Work Mom didn’t want it.
My milk was also turned down by another mom, whom I’ll call “Eco-Friendly Mom,” who had reached out for help. She specifically sought out moms in our group with extra milk. Despite the countless hours I spent pumping, my milk was considered unworthy. The fact that I was taking a low-dose antidepressant for postpartum depression added to her hesitation, even though my baby thrived on it. I understood her concerns—why risk giving a vulnerable infant something unnecessary?
However, I felt unworthy and questioned my choice to breastfeed, grappling with guilt over needing medication to function. I wondered if I could manage without it. If I could, wouldn’t that make me a stronger mom?
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) and the American Psychiatric Association (APA), between 14 and 23 percent of American women experience depression during pregnancy, and postpartum depression affects about 15 percent of women. Untreated postpartum depression has been linked to issues in child development.
Yet, I couldn’t shake the guilt for taking a medication that my doctor prescribed for a legitimate mental health condition affecting both me and my baby. The stigma surrounding mental illness and the well-meaning advice from friends to “just try” to go without medication didn’t help.
In that moment, I felt judged. Are you judging me now?
But without my medication, I wouldn’t be able to greet my daughter with a smile each morning. I’d be distant and disconnected, unable to engage fully with her. With the medication, we enjoyed sunny walks, shared moments at the park, and played together joyfully.
Still, my freezer remained filled with nearly 200 ounces of seemingly unwanted milk. Would it be a constant reminder of my perceived shortcomings?
Fortunately, another mom suggested that there are people who would appreciate that frozen stash. After posting in a local Human Milk for Human Babies group late one Thursday night, I was pleasantly surprised when four people reached out within the hour.
I packed the small bags into a cooler and felt like a secret agent as we met in a parking lot to complete the exchange. Handing over the milk, I caught a glimpse of the baby in the backseat of the stranger’s car, and for a moment, we shared a beautiful connection.
In the end, my milk found a home—not just with another mom but also with my daughter, who is now almost 15 months old. Most days, I can see that she appreciates the milk and our nursing bond, as well as the medication that helps me be present for her. And for that, I’m grateful.
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Summary:
This article explores the emotional complexities and societal pressures surrounding breastfeeding and the challenges of low milk supply. The author shares her experiences with offering her surplus milk to other moms and grapples with feelings of inadequacy due to her need for antidepressants. Ultimately, she finds connection and purpose through sharing her milk and recognizes the importance of her mental health in nurturing her child.